it doesn't even have to be a letter, just something. but i wouldn't even have anything to say. i perpetually feel that way these days. if you don't have cancer, i don't know how to interact with you.
the nausea is coming in waves now. or is it sorrow? to myself, i make sick jokes, just to stay sane. sometimes, when i have a spare moment, i sneak over to the room on 1 East that has a keyboard, and play a song of remembrance.
some evenings i feel like playing taps. but it's been so long since i've touched my horn that i feel like i've never played trumpet.
well there's a sad thought. that used to be one of my defining characteristics. if you'd have told me, "tell me 5 important things about yourself" that would have been up there. if i wasn't lying. i'd probably lie. just to mix it up. you learn something about a person when you see how they respond to a lie.
that sounds pretty twisted. but it's amazing how many people dont want to know the truth. these people flat out tell me that they dont want to know their prognosis. but they're the only ones, cuz the family sure wants to know. they don't always say it in those words. they just "want to know what to expect." what to expect. expect expect expect.
expectations are a funny thing. a %$#@ing thing. but you know that. nothing causes trouble like expectations. i guess they're necessary. or else you're just unsettled all the time. maybe that's what this feeling is.
yup. i wanna vomit again. i just figured it out; over the last month, on any given day, i'm more likely to pronounce someone dead than i am to talk to a friend. no wonder i'm all screwed up.
each paragraph is a new sit-down. in case you hadn't figured it out.
i'm kind of losing my mind too. this happens
the rest was just gibberish. i told you i was going crazy, but i'd prefer not to leave actual evidence.
