vagrancy

i was writing a sonnet today and it was going well but the rhymes ended up confounding the message and i can't fix it and that's irritating me.

sometimes i worry with my poetry (and all my literature) because i fear messages may be read into my words. for instance, today it was a love sonnet. in no real way am i qualified to write a love sonnet at this point in time. but the ideas came to me, and so i wrote it. not for, nor to, nor about, nor with, nor at, nor regarding anyone. i'm sure some sources (history or fantasy) were utilized, but it's just a poem. it's not necessarily a reflection of present truth or future hopes or yesterday's feelings. it could be, but you're not as likely to find that here. i censor content much more than i censor vocabularly. penis.

today i worked at being nice. i think it went over the top. not that it matters. i succeeded, and it doesn't matter if it appeared real or not, because it was.

i've slipped. it's part of the mindwashing that is medical school. i've traded some of my freedom for fitting in and meeting expectations. it wasn't a big deal, but from what i can tell, it's all part of the slippery slope into medical indoctrination and despair. forget the hippocratic oath. well, here it is.

I swear by Apollo Physician and Asclepius and Hygieia and Panaceia and all the gods and goddesses, making them my witnesses, that I will fulfill according to my ability and judgment this oath and this covenant:
To hold him who has taught me this art as equal to my parents and to live my life in partnership with him, and if he is in need of money to give him a share of mine, and to regard his offspring as equal to my brothers in male lineage and to teach them this art - if they desire to learn it - without fee and covenant; to give a share of precepts and oral instruction and all the other learning to my sons and to the sons of him who has instructed me and to pupils who have signed the covenant and have taken an oath according to the medical law, but no one else.
I will apply dietetic measures for the benefit of the sick according to my ability and judgment; I will keep them from harm and injustice.
I will neither give a deadly drug to anybody who asked for it, nor will I make a suggestion to this effect. Similarly I will not give to a woman an abortive remedy. In purity and holiness I will guard my life and my art.
I will not use the knife, not even on sufferers from stone, but will withdraw in favor of such men as are engaged in this work.
Whatever houses I may visit, I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons, be they free or slaves.
What I may see or hear in the course of the treatment or even outside of the treatment in regard to the life of men, which on no account one must spread abroad, I will keep to myself, holding such things shameful to be spoken about.
If I fulfill this oath and do not violate it, may it be granted to me to enjoy life and art, being honored with fame among all men for all time to come; if I transgress it and swear falsely, may the opposite of all this be my lot.

ok, so it says do what's in the patient's best interest and dont have sex with them. brilliant. and leave the surgery to surgeons. yes. good idea. it also says no abortion and no euthanasia. it also says teach doctors kids to be doctors if they want to be, and do it for free. well, this is debatable. it also says don't teach medicine to people who aren't doctors. i'm pretty sure this is the reason AIDS is such a problem and cholera exists at all (well, lack of knowledge and the fact that people don't act as rationally as economic theory assumes).

maybe it would be useful if people wrote out vows. swear before God the things you believe.

no, that's too dramatic, too binding. it'd never work in our society.

maybe this is where prayer comes in. to me, prayer is wonderful for reminding me what's important. when something needs to be done, i write it on my list. it doesn't get prayed for (usually). prayer is for priorities. maybe what needs to happen is i need to work for the answering of the prayers harder myself.

this is a difficult area for me. in some ways, i expect to throw up a hail mary and hope god catches it for a touchdown. opposingly, i think i should be responsible for making good things happen. i am the hands and feet for my God. i am His mouthpiece. i am the bringer of Good News and the emissary and executor of His goodness and mercy. i have this power (i like to think it's God-given). why would i not use it?

and still people trade Life for meaninglessness, for ephemera, for fame, for gratification, for trillion dollar pittances, for vengeance, for vanities. and i do the same. the influence of peers, of community is irrepressible. oh, to be alone.

i'm wandering. i'm caught up in the overworld. here's why:

there's a little girl that i met who's very afraid. her step-dad drinks (this is one of the primary problems) and has physically abused her mom, and she tries to protect her mom by acting out at home. it works to some degree; some of the fighting that would go on between the mom and dad instead is directed at her. but this frustrates her mom, who loves her. the step-dad doesn't seem to care to be involved. he's scared of the girl. scared of upsetting her and causing another tantrum that he doesn't want to have to deal with.

and the girl feels unloved. but don't worry, that'll probably change soon. temporarily. she's at the age where her body is about to change, and some boy or man will desire it, and he'll tell her he loves her. and he'll probably get out of her what he wants. and when he's done, he'll probably leave, and she'll still be looking for love. and all she needs is her dad to tell her he loves her and that he's proud of her and that she's special and why the fuck wohtn poehwapl;sdfghkl;dfghkdhfjkslh

i'm calming. trying to. but damn it all. this isn't some sex slave a world away. this is just beyond my sphere of influence and it's infuriating.