itinerant repossession

is it still my room when i'm not in it? what if none of my stuff is in it? and what makes it my stuff? what makes it my bed, my books, my computer, my clothes? i didn't make them. i didn't write them. they weren't made for me, they weren't written for me. they're just, objects, separated from other spaces by a shell of walls. and somehow, no one else feels entitled to this space, or these objects. can i take this further? what makes it my prosthetic heart valve? or my dental fillings? what makes them my teeth, my hands, my eyes, my lungs? my memories? my thoughts? my dreams?

psychoanalysts and frequently psychiatrists have to be psychoanalyzed before they can practice. i think trauma surgeons should have to be shot or stabbed.

(i might want to rethink oncology. and no one would ever want to be a coroner. and pediatrics would flourish)

inflammation

quote from our embryology textbook:

"Although mental retardation is not generally part of the syndrome, the more X chromosomes there are, the more likely there will be some degree of mental impairment."

(i suppose it should be said that this sentence comes in the context of klinefelter's syndrome, which is when you have extra sex chromosomes in boys, like XXY or XXXY)

and yet you continue to talk to me like you know me

apologies are in order

dear
i'm sorry i won't be going. lobby day sounds very fun (the whole all-inclusive bit is especially tempting), yet i can't bring myself to act overtly in the political realm. i won't legitimize it. i won't accept that image is everything. sure, they'll patronize me and my 'concerns,' but it's empty. (i guess if you're an atheist, maybe you are what other people say you are. but if you believe in God, you are accountable to Him.) so thanks but no thanks; call me if you decide to go the sedition/subversion route. but go ahead and you can try the top-down approach. my work is at the bottom.

dear
of course i dont trust you. wait that sounds harsh. what i mean is that i dont trust you to hold my best interests as the top priority. yes i am that selfish. for that, i'm more sorry than you know (though i suppose i'm trying to tell you here).

dear
it's nice to know i'm not alone. sorry i'm not better company. i'd get frustrated too (though much easier than you).

i love you all (marta)
jw

passion

on sunday i attended the wedding of a man i greatly admire. it was a 'nice' ceremony; mostly traditional (as far as i understand traditional weddings, which isn't very well at all. surprise!) except that we had communion during it (which was brilliant. knock out as many sacraments as you can as fast as you can. gives me more time to return to my sinful ways. though i dont know if the transubstantiation occurred. so maybe it doesn't could. also, i'm not catholic, so maybe it doesn't matter).

after the service, all the guests were invited to take part in a group picture, and then attend a reception (najwa medina (jay razzouk's aunt) catered and she made her middle eastern fare and it was soooo delicious. my goal is clear: convince all my friends to get married and have najwa take care of the food.)

none of this really matters; they're little factoids from my weekend. but i had to set the stage (and forgive me if i did a poor job. i've never been a stagehand.)

there was music, there was the bouquet toss, there was cake cutting, and there was a toast. it was all fine.

the groom is a doctor. for many years he worked as a missionary in africa, and even still, africa is his calling. one of the projects he is supporting right now is an orphanage in uganda. and for a good hour, the focus was on this mission. the bride and groom both talked about their involvement, they showed a video on the place, and also gave the microphone to the project director to talk about the work being done. (i've forgotten to mention, but the wedding invitation expressly stated that if a guest wished to make a gift for the couple, he or she should support this organization). (but there was no appeal for moneys. in no way did the event become a fundraiser. the closest thing to that was that the groom-doctor did announce that he was hoping to put together a team to go fix cleft palates, which is a major cause of social anxiety and distress (as it is seen as some sort of curse from whatever gods africa believes in. basically, kids with these sorts of deformities never leave the house.))

what a couple! this is their wedding day, and the focus is on the intimacy and devotion they share, but what a special quality it is. i'm all sorts of inspired.

[and this is love]

unkept

hidden in my room is a small wooden box
my cousin made for me
and while right now i can think of nothing else
when i am old and even more forgetful
my (or is it your?) memories will only be found folded there
expectant words and exultant pictures

even now they look so tidy
with no tear splotches
of course
you only wrote to indulge me
i only smiled to indulge you

the air was awfully clear today.
back when we talked endlessly
my words all were without lies.
the pure dreams i showed you there
are the hardest to replace.

tomorrow morning brings no sun.
it won't matter.
i won't really awaken anyway.