timing is everything (this is the supposition i'll attempt to stick to)
sometimes i wish i drank coffee so i could pour cream into it and watch. i wish the air was coloured and would billow and whorl and twist and break around me like so.
twirl to the left and watch entropy go.
twirl to the right and watch it unmix.
what if it did unmix? what if we weren't all bound for heat death and could revolt against King Chaos and mix and unmix as we pleased?
it'd be fun to watch. fireworks in reverse. blowing bubbles and breathing in and watching them all return to the wand. rebounding the thunder and watching another flash of lightning. don't brake; decelerate. ununtie your shoes and lets go.
would you be able to un-blow kisses? could you un-boil blood, or unbleed? would "wipe that smile off your face" be the same as un-"breaking into a grin?" is it hello, or repealing the previous goodbye? where would the tears go when they rolled up cheeks? how would you know, when you looked in her eyes, if the forever you saw was past or future? would the dagger hurt as much coming out as going in?
and at the end of the night, there's another dusk, and the world may forget (or unsee) dawn.
appositely, the light ne'er leaves, the shadows flee, and we all faint from heat exhaustion.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
vagrancy
i was writing a sonnet today and it was going well but the rhymes ended up confounding the message and i can't fix it and that's irritating me.
sometimes i worry with my poetry (and all my literature) because i fear messages may be read into my words. for instance, today it was a love sonnet. in no real way am i qualified to write a love sonnet at this point in time. but the ideas came to me, and so i wrote it. not for, nor to, nor about, nor with, nor at, nor regarding anyone. i'm sure some sources (history or fantasy) were utilized, but it's just a poem. it's not necessarily a reflection of present truth or future hopes or yesterday's feelings. it could be, but you're not as likely to find that here. i censor content much more than i censor vocabularly. penis.
today i worked at being nice. i think it went over the top. not that it matters. i succeeded, and it doesn't matter if it appeared real or not, because it was.
i've slipped. it's part of the mindwashing that is medical school. i've traded some of my freedom for fitting in and meeting expectations. it wasn't a big deal, but from what i can tell, it's all part of the slippery slope into medical indoctrination and despair. forget the hippocratic oath. well, here it is.
I swear by Apollo Physician and Asclepius and Hygieia and Panaceia and all the gods and goddesses, making them my witnesses, that I will fulfill according to my ability and judgment this oath and this covenant:
To hold him who has taught me this art as equal to my parents and to live my life in partnership with him, and if he is in need of money to give him a share of mine, and to regard his offspring as equal to my brothers in male lineage and to teach them this art - if they desire to learn it - without fee and covenant; to give a share of precepts and oral instruction and all the other learning to my sons and to the sons of him who has instructed me and to pupils who have signed the covenant and have taken an oath according to the medical law, but no one else.
I will apply dietetic measures for the benefit of the sick according to my ability and judgment; I will keep them from harm and injustice.
I will neither give a deadly drug to anybody who asked for it, nor will I make a suggestion to this effect. Similarly I will not give to a woman an abortive remedy. In purity and holiness I will guard my life and my art.
I will not use the knife, not even on sufferers from stone, but will withdraw in favor of such men as are engaged in this work.
Whatever houses I may visit, I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons, be they free or slaves.
What I may see or hear in the course of the treatment or even outside of the treatment in regard to the life of men, which on no account one must spread abroad, I will keep to myself, holding such things shameful to be spoken about.
If I fulfill this oath and do not violate it, may it be granted to me to enjoy life and art, being honored with fame among all men for all time to come; if I transgress it and swear falsely, may the opposite of all this be my lot.
ok, so it says do what's in the patient's best interest and dont have sex with them. brilliant. and leave the surgery to surgeons. yes. good idea. it also says no abortion and no euthanasia. it also says teach doctors kids to be doctors if they want to be, and do it for free. well, this is debatable. it also says don't teach medicine to people who aren't doctors. i'm pretty sure this is the reason AIDS is such a problem and cholera exists at all (well, lack of knowledge and the fact that people don't act as rationally as economic theory assumes).
maybe it would be useful if people wrote out vows. swear before God the things you believe.
no, that's too dramatic, too binding. it'd never work in our society.
maybe this is where prayer comes in. to me, prayer is wonderful for reminding me what's important. when something needs to be done, i write it on my list. it doesn't get prayed for (usually). prayer is for priorities. maybe what needs to happen is i need to work for the answering of the prayers harder myself.
this is a difficult area for me. in some ways, i expect to throw up a hail mary and hope god catches it for a touchdown. opposingly, i think i should be responsible for making good things happen. i am the hands and feet for my God. i am His mouthpiece. i am the bringer of Good News and the emissary and executor of His goodness and mercy. i have this power (i like to think it's God-given). why would i not use it?
and still people trade Life for meaninglessness, for ephemera, for fame, for gratification, for trillion dollar pittances, for vengeance, for vanities. and i do the same. the influence of peers, of community is irrepressible. oh, to be alone.
i'm wandering. i'm caught up in the overworld. here's why:
there's a little girl that i met who's very afraid. her step-dad drinks (this is one of the primary problems) and has physically abused her mom, and she tries to protect her mom by acting out at home. it works to some degree; some of the fighting that would go on between the mom and dad instead is directed at her. but this frustrates her mom, who loves her. the step-dad doesn't seem to care to be involved. he's scared of the girl. scared of upsetting her and causing another tantrum that he doesn't want to have to deal with.
and the girl feels unloved. but don't worry, that'll probably change soon. temporarily. she's at the age where her body is about to change, and some boy or man will desire it, and he'll tell her he loves her. and he'll probably get out of her what he wants. and when he's done, he'll probably leave, and she'll still be looking for love. and all she needs is her dad to tell her he loves her and that he's proud of her and that she's special and why the fuck wohtn poehwapl;sdfghkl;dfghkdhfjkslh
i'm calming. trying to. but damn it all. this isn't some sex slave a world away. this is just beyond my sphere of influence and it's infuriating.
sometimes i worry with my poetry (and all my literature) because i fear messages may be read into my words. for instance, today it was a love sonnet. in no real way am i qualified to write a love sonnet at this point in time. but the ideas came to me, and so i wrote it. not for, nor to, nor about, nor with, nor at, nor regarding anyone. i'm sure some sources (history or fantasy) were utilized, but it's just a poem. it's not necessarily a reflection of present truth or future hopes or yesterday's feelings. it could be, but you're not as likely to find that here. i censor content much more than i censor vocabularly. penis.
today i worked at being nice. i think it went over the top. not that it matters. i succeeded, and it doesn't matter if it appeared real or not, because it was.
i've slipped. it's part of the mindwashing that is medical school. i've traded some of my freedom for fitting in and meeting expectations. it wasn't a big deal, but from what i can tell, it's all part of the slippery slope into medical indoctrination and despair. forget the hippocratic oath. well, here it is.
I swear by Apollo Physician and Asclepius and Hygieia and Panaceia and all the gods and goddesses, making them my witnesses, that I will fulfill according to my ability and judgment this oath and this covenant:
To hold him who has taught me this art as equal to my parents and to live my life in partnership with him, and if he is in need of money to give him a share of mine, and to regard his offspring as equal to my brothers in male lineage and to teach them this art - if they desire to learn it - without fee and covenant; to give a share of precepts and oral instruction and all the other learning to my sons and to the sons of him who has instructed me and to pupils who have signed the covenant and have taken an oath according to the medical law, but no one else.
I will apply dietetic measures for the benefit of the sick according to my ability and judgment; I will keep them from harm and injustice.
I will neither give a deadly drug to anybody who asked for it, nor will I make a suggestion to this effect. Similarly I will not give to a woman an abortive remedy. In purity and holiness I will guard my life and my art.
I will not use the knife, not even on sufferers from stone, but will withdraw in favor of such men as are engaged in this work.
Whatever houses I may visit, I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons, be they free or slaves.
What I may see or hear in the course of the treatment or even outside of the treatment in regard to the life of men, which on no account one must spread abroad, I will keep to myself, holding such things shameful to be spoken about.
If I fulfill this oath and do not violate it, may it be granted to me to enjoy life and art, being honored with fame among all men for all time to come; if I transgress it and swear falsely, may the opposite of all this be my lot.
ok, so it says do what's in the patient's best interest and dont have sex with them. brilliant. and leave the surgery to surgeons. yes. good idea. it also says no abortion and no euthanasia. it also says teach doctors kids to be doctors if they want to be, and do it for free. well, this is debatable. it also says don't teach medicine to people who aren't doctors. i'm pretty sure this is the reason AIDS is such a problem and cholera exists at all (well, lack of knowledge and the fact that people don't act as rationally as economic theory assumes).
maybe it would be useful if people wrote out vows. swear before God the things you believe.
no, that's too dramatic, too binding. it'd never work in our society.
maybe this is where prayer comes in. to me, prayer is wonderful for reminding me what's important. when something needs to be done, i write it on my list. it doesn't get prayed for (usually). prayer is for priorities. maybe what needs to happen is i need to work for the answering of the prayers harder myself.
this is a difficult area for me. in some ways, i expect to throw up a hail mary and hope god catches it for a touchdown. opposingly, i think i should be responsible for making good things happen. i am the hands and feet for my God. i am His mouthpiece. i am the bringer of Good News and the emissary and executor of His goodness and mercy. i have this power (i like to think it's God-given). why would i not use it?
and still people trade Life for meaninglessness, for ephemera, for fame, for gratification, for trillion dollar pittances, for vengeance, for vanities. and i do the same. the influence of peers, of community is irrepressible. oh, to be alone.
i'm wandering. i'm caught up in the overworld. here's why:
there's a little girl that i met who's very afraid. her step-dad drinks (this is one of the primary problems) and has physically abused her mom, and she tries to protect her mom by acting out at home. it works to some degree; some of the fighting that would go on between the mom and dad instead is directed at her. but this frustrates her mom, who loves her. the step-dad doesn't seem to care to be involved. he's scared of the girl. scared of upsetting her and causing another tantrum that he doesn't want to have to deal with.
and the girl feels unloved. but don't worry, that'll probably change soon. temporarily. she's at the age where her body is about to change, and some boy or man will desire it, and he'll tell her he loves her. and he'll probably get out of her what he wants. and when he's done, he'll probably leave, and she'll still be looking for love. and all she needs is her dad to tell her he loves her and that he's proud of her and that she's special and why the fuck wohtn poehwapl;sdfghkl;dfghkdhfjkslh
i'm calming. trying to. but damn it all. this isn't some sex slave a world away. this is just beyond my sphere of influence and it's infuriating.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
unfurling the night sky and light-dotting the dark expanse
moonbeams are best for thinking when the consumption starts its wasting
the lunar aether binds together worlds once separated by determination
regret isn't right word, for all its forlorn implications
marvel may do.
i marvel at the way the world fractures over and over
and regularly shatters itself into realities
and people watch and break themselves
lost, broken shards
he loves me : he loves me not
soli deo gloria : deus otiosus
cast your bread upon the waters : look out for number one
all you need is love : diamonds are
do unto others as : all's fair in love and war
out of sight, out of mind : absence make the heart grow fonder
leave no man behind : cut your losses
his intentions were noble : do or do not
beauty is only skin deep : in the eye of the beholder
better safe than sorry : fortune favors the bold
means : ends
forgive: avenge
you are not a beautiful or unique snowflake : it tolls for thee
everything happens for a reason : c'est la vie
I am the Dichotomous, champion of Chaos
who drifts between worlds
working havoc, wreaking calamity
laying low Contiguity and leaving Consistency the ruins of Doubt
there is no room for settlement in a land destroyed
so I am forced to wander for the fullness of time which is when
i will die
and at some moments i feel this thorougly and unobscuredly
and the shards are as bits of dust
worthless fragments
relics from a broken past
and I can see in the plain the Beautiful Palace,
where we can live forever
the lunar aether binds together worlds once separated by determination
regret isn't right word, for all its forlorn implications
marvel may do.
i marvel at the way the world fractures over and over
and regularly shatters itself into realities
and people watch and break themselves
lost, broken shards
he loves me : he loves me not
soli deo gloria : deus otiosus
cast your bread upon the waters : look out for number one
all you need is love : diamonds are
do unto others as : all's fair in love and war
out of sight, out of mind : absence make the heart grow fonder
leave no man behind : cut your losses
his intentions were noble : do or do not
beauty is only skin deep : in the eye of the beholder
better safe than sorry : fortune favors the bold
means : ends
forgive: avenge
you are not a beautiful or unique snowflake : it tolls for thee
everything happens for a reason : c'est la vie
I am the Dichotomous, champion of Chaos
who drifts between worlds
working havoc, wreaking calamity
laying low Contiguity and leaving Consistency the ruins of Doubt
there is no room for settlement in a land destroyed
so I am forced to wander for the fullness of time which is when
i will die
and at some moments i feel this thorougly and unobscuredly
and the shards are as bits of dust
worthless fragments
relics from a broken past
and I can see in the plain the Beautiful Palace,
where we can live forever
Sunday, September 02, 2007
the title was too long, it’s been moved to the next line down
indiscretions and inconsistencies after a long night of dream drinking and and [sic] the following failure to sober by sunrise
sometimes i wish i could just write titles, and leave the actual stories and poems and melodies to be imaginated (not a real word, but still got 20,000 google hits) by the title-reader.
i cleaned my room recently, and it was enlightening and hallucinogenic. and it was that loss of control that i found less than ideal. i woke up one morning and i could have sworn i was 18, was late for math (which was bad, because i hadn't started the homework due that day), had to remember to print out my well thought out but hopelessly unrevised western thought essays (which i would get As on anyway, because if you train a teacher to think you're smart, they'll grade you on that and not by the quality if the work you actually turn in. or at the very least, they'll be sympathetic to your real or contrived excuses), and was in love with jenn young (by default).
i can't remember the dream that caused me to wake in such a state, but it suffered from a bit of historical revisionism. i was rarely late to math class. if i was running late, i just didn't go. homework wasn't due until that afternoon, and i really didn't need the teacher to explain anything. western thought essays were, at least for the boring books (e.g. major barbara, paradise lost, and stuff by mill, locke and rousseau, and pico) or books with historical allegory that i was unable to fully appreciate because i didn't bother reading the history text (animal farm, gulliver's travels), sparknotes paraphrasing (but while i'm here, i should (well, not really should, but it's a free chance to make myself look erudite) mention that i enjoyed many of the books in that class, notably: heart of darkness, the plague, a doll's house, arcadia, all quiet on the western front, the prince, the works we read by st. augustine and boethius. i think that's it). and at the time, it wasn't jenn young, but that was the default setting for a series of epochs surrounding that era, so it fits.
i have a terrible memory for experiences and feelings, so when this all hit quite strongly, i was surprised.
fact: my quality of life has plummeted now that peter's gone. serenity never lasts long enough.
fact*: patel is not as common a surname in india as it is elsewhere in the world. it is common in regions of india, and a disproportionately large amount of people from those regions have immigrated to the UK or US.
* possibly not true. i heard it and thought it interesting. but "fact" bears more weight than "hearsay"
acronym of the day: BHNC - big hat, no cattle
backronym of the day (in light of the imminent commencement of school): NKDA - not known, didn't ask (as opposed to its ODSA meaning, "no known drug allergies")
other useful ODSA terms:
FLK - funny looking kid
GBC - general body crumble
PISA - permanent and irrecoverable state of alcoholism
TOBASH - take out back and shoot
UBI - unexplained beer injury
UNIVAC - unusually nasty infection; vultures are circling
DRT - dead right there
DRTTTT - dead right there, there, there, and there (see? humor is the best way to deal with tragedy)
PBP - proctodynia by proxy
Would Muhammad Ali's GOAT (Greatest Of All Time) line of food products also be considered a snackronym or a blackronym?
sometimes i wish i could just write titles, and leave the actual stories and poems and melodies to be imaginated (not a real word, but still got 20,000 google hits) by the title-reader.
i cleaned my room recently, and it was enlightening and hallucinogenic. and it was that loss of control that i found less than ideal. i woke up one morning and i could have sworn i was 18, was late for math (which was bad, because i hadn't started the homework due that day), had to remember to print out my well thought out but hopelessly unrevised western thought essays (which i would get As on anyway, because if you train a teacher to think you're smart, they'll grade you on that and not by the quality if the work you actually turn in. or at the very least, they'll be sympathetic to your real or contrived excuses), and was in love with jenn young (by default).
i can't remember the dream that caused me to wake in such a state, but it suffered from a bit of historical revisionism. i was rarely late to math class. if i was running late, i just didn't go. homework wasn't due until that afternoon, and i really didn't need the teacher to explain anything. western thought essays were, at least for the boring books (e.g. major barbara, paradise lost, and stuff by mill, locke and rousseau, and pico) or books with historical allegory that i was unable to fully appreciate because i didn't bother reading the history text (animal farm, gulliver's travels), sparknotes paraphrasing (but while i'm here, i should (well, not really should, but it's a free chance to make myself look erudite) mention that i enjoyed many of the books in that class, notably: heart of darkness, the plague, a doll's house, arcadia, all quiet on the western front, the prince, the works we read by st. augustine and boethius. i think that's it). and at the time, it wasn't jenn young, but that was the default setting for a series of epochs surrounding that era, so it fits.
i have a terrible memory for experiences and feelings, so when this all hit quite strongly, i was surprised.
fact: my quality of life has plummeted now that peter's gone. serenity never lasts long enough.
fact*: patel is not as common a surname in india as it is elsewhere in the world. it is common in regions of india, and a disproportionately large amount of people from those regions have immigrated to the UK or US.
* possibly not true. i heard it and thought it interesting. but "fact" bears more weight than "hearsay"
acronym of the day: BHNC - big hat, no cattle
backronym of the day (in light of the imminent commencement of school): NKDA - not known, didn't ask (as opposed to its ODSA meaning, "no known drug allergies")
other useful ODSA terms:
FLK - funny looking kid
GBC - general body crumble
PISA - permanent and irrecoverable state of alcoholism
TOBASH - take out back and shoot
UBI - unexplained beer injury
UNIVAC - unusually nasty infection; vultures are circling
DRT - dead right there
DRTTTT - dead right there, there, there, and there (see? humor is the best way to deal with tragedy)
PBP - proctodynia by proxy
Would Muhammad Ali's GOAT (Greatest Of All Time) line of food products also be considered a snackronym or a blackronym?
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