meditation, epiphany, and then rejecting the opportunity for self-growth

It's a ridiculous notion. I know it doesn't make sense. It's irrational. And I'm rather rational, so it'd seem like I'd be able to work my way around it, but it's just a feeling I get and there's no talking myself out of it. I don't trust happiness.

It's too ephemeral, it's too fugitive, it's too flighty, it's too capricious. It's never around long enough to bask in its comfort. And it always comes at a price, and most of the time, I'd rather forgo both cost and benefit. This isn't just "Change sucks" or "Here's why I don't take many risks" (these things have their roles, probably, but aren't the cornerstone). You know how some people think they have a certain number of heart beats before they die? I feel like I'm allotted a certain amount of happiness. And it's not very much, and I don't want to waste it, especially not when I'm alone.

I know, I know, this maybe makes sense if you think the gods are jealous. It's never a good idea to be prettier than Aphrodite.

If I had to guess (I'm always doing this anyway) I'd say it's just a way of keeping things level. Going high only makes for more of a drop when you fall. Oh dammit all, is this another defense mechanism? Come on. How pathetic. Couldn't it be something more clever or robust, or at least something with a little more depth? It's just another wussy reason not to be excited or open up or trust others, etc etc. Oh don't even try to live up to your name, Vuk. Still, it's a good thing I caught this myself. If I was seeing a shrink, (s)he'd probably try to get me to do something about this. Try and get me to waste some of my precious happiness. And for what? There's no one around worth wasting it on. Well maybe family. But they already know I'm most happy when I'm not, so it'd just confuse things (more). See, a little introspection saves money and happiness.

familiarity

ahh test week. as abusive as ever. i've had difficulty concentrating, so i'm considering recycling. how illegal is it to publish bits from a personal letter written some time ago? is there some sort of expiration date? the note was written more recently than when i started blogging (two years ago. good grief i'm old).

friend rankings (low to high, based much on the things you share (i think. this was some time ago)):

fire drill friends
festival friends
facts friends
food friends
fallback friends (faute de mieux)
favorites friends
feelings friends
fears friends
fast friends
fairy-tale friends
finality friends

something i noticed from reading my old writings (a literary analysis of myself!) is that usually when i wish to present an idea or joke i'm uncomfortable owning up to (for various reasons, but usually the inherent tactlessness of whatever i'm wanting to say), i usually allow an alter ego to present it. i achieve this mainly by letting opposing voices (presumably in my head) engage in dialogue. in doing so, i save face by having one of my personalities play it straight and uphold duty and morals and all that. the other deviates as he pleases. consider:

[modified from the end of a cheer-up note]

"but at least you're not dead. so there's your solace.

jw

{{yeah, you're not much of a comforter}}
{what does that mean?}
{{you're no good in bed}}
{remind me never to let you talk to girls}"

so yeah, i think it works out pretty well for me.

for all of you in my class who are studying psychopathology and suspecting an auditory hallucination from an overactive limbic cortex, rest assured. there are way more than two voices in my head. i just screen out the bizzare ones, sometimes. enjoy your meal.

WTS [1 hour of my precious study time] 5g obo pst

at school, there are always "interest group" meetings. i'm not quite sure why. i think they're the residency equivalent of premed or predent societies. you get the internal medicine interest group (IMIG) or the mission interest group (MIG) or the pediatrics interest group (presumably PIG, but it's never been advertised as such).

these events often include food, which is probably their major draw. medical students are easily bought. feed us a $2.50 burrito and give us a water bottle, and we're yours for 45 minutes (especially if we have lab in the afternoon and therefore need to be back on campus later). for all our self-professed high standards and professional responsibilities, we are whores for a free meal.

to be fair, the ceremonies that accompanies the meals probably are worth it. the meal is probably a perk. but wow. just think. for twenty thousand bucks or so, you could indoctrinate a whole generation of physicians with whatever sort of lunchtime garbage you wanted to feed them. religion, politics, business practices, anything. and they'd soak it up better than they do psychopathology.

what? you study? fascinating. do explain.

lies i tell:

it's on the left. half way down. you can't miss it.

oh, no, class doesn't start until 10 today.

yeah, she's great. and you're so good together.

well, i'd better get going. gotta study, ya know.

i just happened to be around, thought i'd stop by.

see you soon!

just let me finish this level. i'll be there in a sec. (random thought, if it's more than one sec, is it secs?)

electron orbital hybridization? i was wondering about that myself. i have no idea.

sorry.

oh, i'd love to but i have some family stuff going on.

please? i wont stay long.

that'll buff right out.

yeah, i'd love to try some of your homemade eggplant artichoke bread.


most of these are just conversation grease. things you say to keep interactions running smoothly.

other times, i get asked a question i dont want to answer. in some circumstances, lying is really the best way out. for some reason, people assume that just because they ask a question, they should get an answer (or perhaps what it really is is that many people think they have to answer a question asked of them. but either way.) this isn't true. sometimes it's appropriate to answer these questions with an "i'd rather not say." sometimes saying that does answer the question, or sometimes that answer seems to also imply "oh, i'm actually dying to tell you the answer so please use the next 45 minutes to drag the answer out of me." i take these opportunities to create fiction.

mercynary: for Higher (band and album name for a christian group)

weekend quiz

question 1
why was this weekend awesome? (pick 5)

a. jimmy eat world is amazing in concert, especially when the set includes 23, work, hear you me, pain, and sweetness.
b. steve irwin and arnold schwarzenegger impressions never get old, even if it basically the exact same thing last year
c. we watched crouching tiger, hidden dragon (though i fell asleep and maaaaaaaybe snored)
d. pine springs ranch was very fun, especially saturday afternoon sports
e. we got a girl to drink the hot chocolate into which she'd just 5 minutes earlier dumped a large amount of salt (with the hopes that someone could be tricked into drinking it). (she should be happy about this. it won her some cute points. it also lost her some smart points. or maybe she knew that this would win her cute points, and was doing all this for my amusement. false. it's a widely acknowledged fact that girls will do most anything to find my favor, but this kind of scheming is smart and manipulative, and girls just aren't capable of that, right?)

correct answer: A, A, C, D, E. "A" should be circled twice, possibly with hearts.

question 2
the st. louis rams are *best* described as which of the following?
a. 0-4
b. pathetic
c. still being cheered for by most Los Angeles bandwagoners
d. a decent matchup against the new orleans saints
e. wankers that are single-handedly costing someone his fantasy football season

*best* correct answer: E

question 3
list 3 movies that are currently playing in theaters:

answer: i'll pretty much accept any answer. i have no idea myself, and don't really care to (though i'm sure i could be persuaded).

question 4
at the round earth's imagin'd corners, blow
a. your trumpets angels and arise
b. your nose
c. hard. as in, "oh tobias you"
d. blow blow your chance at the postseason, silly mets
e. bubbles

answer: A. we've donne this all before. suppose i could have said "death be not proud" but everyone's heard that, and this way i appear slightly smarter than a simple wikipedia search. this is an illusion. it's just that i've explored different avenues (clicked different links in the sequence that led me to this place. a familiar place, because we sang a song in high school using these lyrics.)

question 5 (last one, cuz i'm getting tired)
man's best friend =
a. dog
b. cat or other animal not dog
c. car/truck
d. computer
e. woman

answer: varies. i'm always amazed though by people who can care for more than one for any length of time. except an ant farm. those little guys really don't need much human involvement.