It's a ridiculous notion. I know it doesn't make sense. It's irrational. And I'm rather rational, so it'd seem like I'd be able to work my way around it, but it's just a feeling I get and there's no talking myself out of it. I don't trust happiness.
It's too ephemeral, it's too fugitive, it's too flighty, it's too capricious. It's never around long enough to bask in its comfort. And it always comes at a price, and most of the time, I'd rather forgo both cost and benefit. This isn't just "Change sucks" or "Here's why I don't take many risks" (these things have their roles, probably, but aren't the cornerstone). You know how some people think they have a certain number of heart beats before they die? I feel like I'm allotted a certain amount of happiness. And it's not very much, and I don't want to waste it, especially not when I'm alone.
I know, I know, this maybe makes sense if you think the gods are jealous. It's never a good idea to be prettier than Aphrodite.
If I had to guess (I'm always doing this anyway) I'd say it's just a way of keeping things level. Going high only makes for more of a drop when you fall. Oh dammit all, is this another defense mechanism? Come on. How pathetic. Couldn't it be something more clever or robust, or at least something with a little more depth? It's just another wussy reason not to be excited or open up or trust others, etc etc. Oh don't even try to live up to your name, Vuk. Still, it's a good thing I caught this myself. If I was seeing a shrink, (s)he'd probably try to get me to do something about this. Try and get me to waste some of my precious happiness. And for what? There's no one around worth wasting it on. Well maybe family. But they already know I'm most happy when I'm not, so it'd just confuse things (more). See, a little introspection saves money and happiness.
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