motivation

sometimes (but not often), i settle myself down—sitting, slouching, leaning, lying (not the dishonest one)—and think about why i do things. anything. usually these thoughts are trivial and borderline retarded. why do i drive a car and not ride a bike to school? (i'd have to wake up way early) why do i go to university church? (habit) why do i prefer ice cream in cones? (they're delicious) why do i procrastinate? (.......because i can?) why do i spend 2 hours writing a blog?


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why i write
usually i take solace in being misunderstood. (yes, that sounds like the defense mechanism of nerds and emos everywhere.) i'm rather content in having people believe stuff about me that isn't true, and if others are to err, i would have them do it on the poor side. that is, i don't mind people believing worse of me than what i consider to be true. see, my actions and words don't always convey the intended meaning. also, sometimes i say things that aren't true, and don't reflect what i believe, and then i forget to publicly reverse my decisions on those topics. (i guess some of this is quite purposeful.) so i know that i'm not always represented accurately. knowing that i'm not going to be seen the way i see myself, i'd much rather have people think the worse of me. i dont know why. probably because then it's easier to deal with the expectations. i really hate to disappoint.
writing is different. in writing i feel like i can explain myself better, maybe even fully. i can choose my words deliberately and craft my sentences carefully and, usually, say exactly what i want to say in the way i want to say it. i have power here.

with great power comes great responsibility. this is my gift, my curse.

good saying, peter parker. i hold it true. in my writings, i find it my responsibility to be more honest, and open, and unguarded. i'm not very comfortable with it. but it is easier than saying these things aloud in front of others. i am a bit detached from my words. i'm not physically present when you, my reader, are reading them. and that's comforting to me, probably because i don't really have to explain what i say.

i write because it's a chance to be honest. to say exactly what i want to say. i'm really good about not talking about things. i can ignore a roomful of elephants. but in my writing i'm more likely to take these things on. case in point (and i'm going to regret this, but it was a couple months ago, so it's more of a historical document by this point, which means it maybe shouldn't be so closely associated with me): if you go back to my "wish list" blog, you'll find a whole nother (yes, nother is a word today) list hidden in pale blue font below the first list. maybe some of you saw it. if you didn't, you'll have to copy and paste it somewhere, because simply highlighting over it doesn't make it any more readable.

i write because it's a chance to be understood. a lot of the time i can't bring myself to say explicitly what i want to say, but i'll write things in such a way that they do carry hidden agendas if one takes the time to find them. well, there aren't really hidden agendas. basically, you'd have to be somewhat intimately knowledgable of the situation in the first place for the riddles to have a chance at making sense. but the possibility that someone could figure out something, well, it's nice. it's rather like how i tend to use analogies and double meanings. i know, that makes it hard on people. it feels like i'm playing games. and maybe i am. but sometimes, it's the only way. the alternative would be to bottle and shelve those things. which happens regularly too.

i write because it's a chance to make things real. sharing my thoughts and feelings in this manner seems to legitimize them. it gives people the opportunity to acknowledge them. and usually, that's enough.

i write because it's a chance to be useful. sometimes i feel like i'm very different from everyone else, but usually it just takes a good passage of literature to remind myself that many others are like me. and maybe, just maybe, my writing can be of similar use. it's a lot to hope for. in fact, it's not really a hope. i hope no one needs this. i hope people feel connected anyway. but if there was something in my words that is or was or could be of value to someone, i would hope they find it, either here or elsewhere. it makes no real difference to me.

i write because it's a chance to tell you i love you. is that weird? i probably won't ever say those words to you otherwise. i'll do my damn best to show it in other ways, but i'm not very good at it. i hope it's not weird. i mean, i'm not going to apologize for these feelings. i can't. i believe in them more than just about anything. it's the basis of my religion. at least, this is the way i interpret jesus' ministry. and i want to be like jesus. i want to love you the way jesus loves you.

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