a new low [into the rift]

i am so completely disappointed in myself. (this, of course, being in addition to my general, smoldering malcontent)

and this after a pretty good spell. over the last few days, i started really picking up the pace in my BMS (best medical student) campaign, i found a present that i was supposed to get on my 17th birthday (from my grandfather who has been dead 23 years), i watched a reasonably good movie in The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, i studied more than is characteristic, i was practicing trumpet almost enough to start improving, i was exercising almost as much as i should, i was eating almost as well as can be expected. i was almost sleeping well. (those 'almosts' probably sound like a bad thing, but given that i'll always expect more from myself, they're as much as i can hope for)

and then this. this. this, after all my careful planning. this, after all my reconditioning. this, after all the rebar and bricks and sandbags and sutures. this, after all the brooms and rags and bleach and ammonia and acid. this, after all the knots and bolts and lids and locks and caps and corks. this, after the aspirin and motrin and amitryptiline and methadone and lidocaine and ketamine and liquor and cocaine.

/often go awry
/gang aft agley

all i wanted was an empty room.
all i wanted was a quiet space.
all i wanted was an all alone.
all i wanted was a time erased.

~ oh no, not back here
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,

~ you know where this ends
But I have promises to keep,

~ it's an interminable darkness
And miles to go before I sleep,

~ and we were just there...
And miles to go before I sleep.

i need an excuse. something, anything to make my contribution to this mess less categorical. a starting point for rationalization, justification, exoneration, vindication, whatever word might apply. i never want to be completely defenseless (even if my situation is indefensible, of which i'm like 99% sure. one who repeatedly makes the same mistakes = idiot)

goodbye, productivity. fare thee well, peace. au revoir, sanity. i barely knew ye.


my purest heart for vou / mon cœur pur pour toi
kimochi warui