extraordinothing

my phone vibrates a little bit longer when a call is coming in than it does when i'm getting a text, and that extra buzzing always makes me think, 'dammit,' because usually i'd much rather respond to a text than pick up the phone. i mention this because it's ringing right now, and i'm very sure i wont be answering it.

i had something really neat and clever that i was gonna write. it wasn't mine at all, and i would have stolen it word for word (or at least thought for thought) from a book, but i'm 99% sure that you haven't read it (or, i'm sure 99% of you haven't read it), and the other 3% would just be impressed by my extensive interests (and mathematical calculations). but i've forgotten what it is/was.

my brain could use a little synchronized intermittent mandatory ventilation (SIMV). i know i'm learning about this stuff so that i can treat patients with ARDS, but i think there are real life lessons in here as well.

sometimes my mind is a balloon whose string has been let go. sometimes i pop the balloon just so it wont get away from me. probably i should just ask someone to fasten it to my wrist, at least until i perfect my one-handed ties.

one of the guys on my team asked me today if i was married or had kids. i said, 'not to my knowledge' and laughed. i always wonder how seriously people take answers like that. of course, i know myself well enough that the absurdity of such a suggestion makes a good joke.

it's kinda like when people ask me what i want to do. of course i know they're really asking what sort of residency i'm trying for, but it still amuses me to answer them 'to graduate.' as if that would be an accomplishment.

the funny thing is, i've actually stumbled upon something i think i could like. this isn't really good news. i've spent the last 5 or so years trying to rid myself of any strong personal desires. fortunately, this thing is well-aligned with the ideals i've tried to adopt. unfortunately, it seems impossible. and i still hate the idea of failure. or maybe it's being alone when i fail that i'm afraid of. failing isn't so bad. it's trying to pick myself up afterwards that is exhausting. i'm surprisingly heavy for my weight, and it can be tough to find point with good leverage.

well, not really. you just need to make me think that you have some insight into my situation, which is as easy as asking, 'don't you just hate clinic?'