you know the drill

or rather, i know the drill.

6th week = tests = restlessness = blog time = make some stuff up

so it's not really like i have a choice in the matter.

actually, that's one of my favorite excuses. the whole "it wasn't my decision" route. the "sorry, company policy" or "it's just my nature" or "i don't make the rules, i just play by them."

it does a remarkable job of externalizing any potential blame. and sometimes rightly so. the penguins lost to the rangers yesterday. there's really nothing i could have done about that. at least, not easily.

i have tests tomorrow. there's nothing i can do about those either. seriously. no let me talk this one out.

i have tests, but it's in my nature to prepare moderately well for them. in the time i have left. it's not in my nature to study for such things ahead of time. just like it's not in my nature to do something poorly, or let something turn out badly. (these qualities run in very stark opposition to my procrastination virtues, but really, that's just the way of things, and there's not much i can do about it.)

i'm kind of a good model for consistency. wait. no i'm not. and i'm probably not a very good judge, what with all the bias and all.

i like to think i could be a good model for consistency. but then, i like to think i could be a good model for a great many things. let's list them:

integrity
loyalty
brilliance
bravado
humility
intonation
optimism
nutrition
freestyle
saying the right thing
malice
indecision
detachment
springboard diving
cologne

this list extends rather indefinitely. the pattern is (and would continue to be) pretty predictable. i start with the obviously ridiculous ideas, lean somewhat toward ones that could be believable (if only to make the initial ones feel like they were somewhat true), poke some fun at my supposed lesser qualities, and wrap it all up with a joke. i also make sure that it's internally unsound. as i told a friend today, i see honesty more as a last resort than a primary policy.

well, it's 1, and tests start early. also, i wake up even earlier to review. i hate having to sleep. it'd be nicer if it was more optional. like salt.

and i quit writing when my analogies fall apart like origami paper cranes.

paper cranes make me sad. it makes me think of a book i read about a japanese girl, named sadako, and world war two. and then i think of grave of the fireflies. (oh yeah, sorry jill, i watched it. so don't feel constrained. or if you want to wait and watch it with me sometime(?) that works. kinda. i cried when i saw it. i imagine i'd probably once more do so, were i to see it again.) that movie is really damn depressing.

life's list of NO

things you should never do: (or at least don't admit to it, even during truth-telling games)

unless you're from new york, or have an uncle who was paul o'niell, you can't root for the yankees. unless you went to usc, you can't root for the trojans. obviously, yankees fans can cheer the trojans, and trojans fans can cheer the yankees, because they're all on the same side anyway—Satan's.

as far as superhumanly possible, never let one 18-wheeler pass another 18-wheeler on a two lane road.

never let a friend refer to himself adding an adjective in front of his name. exceptions: big (as in big tony) or little (as in little john). descriptive titles (such as darth) also are allowed.

never pay for an autograph. i mean, i can think of things that are more retarded, but not many.

if you're a guy and more than 51% hetero, never talk to another guy about the physical characteristics of his penis. unless you're a professional (i.e. urologist and/or big tony). also, when choosing a name for your peep, dont just call it little steve or patrick junior. be creative. pick heroes and gods and stuff. if your name's troy, call it hector (unless you have a friend who's achilles). if you're an alibino, moby. chuck norris would work, but there can be only one chuck norris, and you wouldn't want the real chuck norris going around and exposing all the posers.
also, while i'm on the inappropriate topic, i think it would be a good joke to put a nickle in someone else's wallet so it creates a really small condom outline. put silver dollars in your own wallet if it makes you feel better.

as a general rule, don't tell someone he or she looks like an animal. i'm sure there are some exceptions. let me provide you with a list of never-can-be-an-exception: anteater, water buffalo, hyena, gremlin, blowfish, taun taun, anaconda, blastoise, Rob Schneider, behemoth

never trust a guy who is named mitchell and insists on going by mitchell and not mitch. if he really really insists on mitchell, call him mitch anyway so you can still trust him.

never go for the smaller sized ice cream when the larger size costs only 50 cents more. even if you know you aren't going to be able to finish it or find a homeless person to give it to.

never try to fit in at a walmart. or a starbucks. ever.

don't ask stupid questions about movies. don't rent "the ring" and ask someone which one was frodo. don't rent "return of the king" and ask people if they think gandalf went to hogwarts. don't rent "chamber of secrets" and ask if aragog and shelob and charlotte (wilbur's friend) are related.

don't intentionally kill a mosquito bomber.

pis aller

correlation may as well be causation. no media i know bothers to separate the two.

time for the old "peace vs. truth" debate. no no, this isn't luther and erasmus (i mean, it is, but not tonight). tonight it's "heroes" and biochemistry.

in no way do i expect to do well on my biochemistry exam tomorrow. i imagine i'll pass (but i always imagine i'll pass a test. i have a terrific imagination. which is why i prefer people not to wear clothes that "leave nothing to the imagination" because then there's a whole lot of talent going to waste.) but traditionally, i do most of my best learning the night before a test. so really, this is my best chance to learn a whole lot of biochem. so, advantage productivity.

there's no good reason to watch heroes tonight. tomorrow night would be just as good. better even, because i'll have really nothing to do. well, i sorta told my dad otherwise. he asked what i planned to do to celebrate being done with tests. i replied "copious amounts of alcohol." he laughed. it'd be a lot funnier if i actually drank and he didn't know about it. otherwise it's just me being a smartass.

speaking of which....



i've probably watched this 15 times. diminishing returns hasn't set in yet.

well, it's all been settled. heroes it is. hiro desu. thanks for all your love and support.

what? that wasn't the logical conclusion? look, i'm no logician. (wait, that's a real word.) look, i'm no statistician. (wait, still too close.) look, i'm no ration. (like a biscuit? gravy?) look, i'm no aberration. (hmm, don't want that being debated.) look, i'm no abortionist (well, i aborted the study idea). whateva. whateva. i do what i want. i kick puppy dogs with steel-toed boots.

iMuse (not like I, Robot, because muses were goddesses. i'm more the male counterpart.)

i started this thursday before the cell mock board, got tired of it, meant to finish it yesterday but i fell asleep at 6:30, woke up at 2:30 this morning (that's a solid 8 hours sleep), got tired of it again, so maybe i can finish now. it's a little dated in parts (unlike yours truly) because of when it was begun.

"tests are, well, not quite close to done, but fast approaching that point. i can tell by the fact that bawling fits have turned into balling fists, which i think is a sign of anxiety. (i really don't think i'm going to go an punch someone out. except maybe in a hecka old mike tyson video game.)

speaking of video games (super-successful-segue five *snap*), i really was going to study [last] saturday night, but then we went to jay's and it was awesome.

sunday was quite possibly my worst mother's day performance in quite some time/years. i think i should throw my mom a surprise mother's day sometime in the near future.

holidays with expectations are overrated, except fourth of july. or maybe i just don't like obligations that i didn't sign up for. actually, i'm very certain that is the case."

and now we're all caught up. it's saturday morning. jarrod gets home tonight. the marine layer has taken the sky. my windows are closed but the blinds are up so it's bright and i can see the birds but the chirping is muted. and now i hear the freeway. it's a beautiful world, even when it isn't. or maybe. the world is not beautiful, therefore it is. something like that, eh? shut up canada. you're not prettier, just northier. was perelandra pretty? did i even read that book? sometimes a book sits on my shelf for so long that i think i've read it. (sometimes a person has been in my class for so long that i think i've talked to him or her.) but no, it's just a matter of recognition, and i have very little idea as to what's on the inside, apart from what i've heard.

rumors have it garage voice will be here this coming week. i'm super excited.



i'm also excited for tests to be over. that way we can all go back to being friends, and not "people we used to know and like and talk to before the testing tyrannies ruled my life."

March 12

Last year I tasted sweetness. This year I ate a sandwich. Both may cost me friendships. But at least I know what the problem is now. Actually, I knew before, but finally it makes sense. It's too bad I'll have to keep it to myself. Or maybe I won't. It's hard to decide.

for lindsay and lindsey and dustin and michael and bruce and brian and others, i suppose

ok, it's not really for you. i mean, sure it is. but mostly it's a thank you for when you write. even if it's from china, brian. i did most of my best write thinking when i was abroad. or working for the newspaper. yeah, cos thinking back, a bit of my abroad writing was to jill. hi jill. i miss writing to you.

this is going to turn into an open letter to everyone, i'm thinking.

how to study during test week:
- make sure you haven't learned much all quarter (no thanks to me not making time to study with you, sarah and danelle. sorry. things were not good. we can talk about it later, if you really want to know, and i kinda hope you dont.)
- read through all the notes the day before. haphazardly. with frequent naps and drink breaks.
- wake up the morning of and read through all the notes again. hooray short term memory.
- race through the test as fast as you can so you have maximal time to study for the test tomorrow. or, as was the case this morning, so you can take an extra long nap before you go see spiderman this afternoon. thanks for coming, ryan and ginger and john. sorry i got all mixed up and sat on the wrong side of the theater. hope you wrote that paper, stina. duv, did you do any homework tonight? did you even eat dinner? those cookies dont count as a meal. mom's not home, so yes, i do get to say that.

we should play hockey this weekend. or rail baron again. eric and craig, i think you're the ones who need to be paying attention to this. (oh also, we're gathing a posse to go get jarrod on may 19. he gets back then.)

i watched the office just now. maybe i'll wait a week and then talk about it, just so you can see it if you haven't already. this means you danielle and erik. (oh, erik, you also belong in the above paragraph. or are you going to greg's faculty lunch thing saturday? also, have i told you my plan for your bachelor party? we're going to a bookstore for the 7th harry potter book release. i'm very excited)

hi doug. hi peter. if i was to fly up for graduation, can you pick me up in portland or seattle or something? i know, that's worse than asking for a ride to LAX.

hi kat and albert. hang in there. boards will be done soon and then you're practically doctors. i mean, i'd let you give me a breast exam. and if you wanted to palpate mediastinal lymph nodes, well hey, just go for it. it doesn't make sense to me, but what do i know. maybe your skinny fingers can fit through my intercostal muscles. there's only one way to find out.

hi alex rodriguez. will you please start hitting again? my fantasy team needs it. remember, there's no "i" in fantasy team. (on an unrelated note, there is "fantasy meat" in "fantasy team." if you cared. i sure dont)

hi bill watterson. i think you're still alive. please create some more calvin and hobbes for me. besides providing me hours of entertainment, they are great gifts for surprise 3/4 birthdays.

dear dr. werner,
i have objective tinnitus, because all those facts i learned for today have become dislodged and are rattling around in my head and it's annoying as hell. no. annoying as billowing clouds of gnats. (which i think is associated with infectious endocarditis (do we know what it does in the heart, like murmur-wise? because i know what it does everywhere else) and sarcoidosis (and i hope i get some of that sweet band keratopathy))

i sure use parentheses a lot. i should buy them in bulk.

dear alter egos,
how many of you are there?

jarrod,
summer check list (and we have to do 5 or more of the following): hollywood bowl, daisuke, some soccer game (chelsea or whatever), risk 2210, some rpg (mmo counts). am i missing anything?

dear strongbad,
what's the best way to make your associates (and/or dissociates) throw you a surprise 3/4 birthday party?
jw
redlands (as in the color of the dirt here), california
or you can pretend i'm "junior asparagus" from "veggie tales" but actually dont because i dont want any vegetables at my party. it's too much of a moral grey zone. (which is silly, because i've been a part of active youthinasia for a couple years)

room art conceptions

The walls are still white. This is just a beginning. I'm not completely set on these. Actually, I'm completely set on some of these. Actually, I did this once before, but it didn't save. So this isn't as complete as the first try. But on to the material:

Be the change you want to see in the world.
Mahatma Ghandi

Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.
Marcus Aurelius

For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required.
Luke 12:48.

Don't panic.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

We assert then that nothing has been accomplished without interest on the part of the actors; and — if interest be called passion, inasmuch as the whole individuality, to the neglect of all other actual or possible interests and claims, is devoted to an object with every fibre of volition, concentrating all its desires and powers upon it — we may affirm absolutely that nothing great in the World has been accomplished without passion.
Hegel

Being able to remain on that dizzying crest: that is integrity and the rest is subterfuge. Albert Camus

...there's no difference at all, that I can see, between the man who's greedy for material treasure- or even intellectual treasure- and the man who's greedy for spiritual treasure.
Franny and Zooey

If you're going to say the Jesus Prayer, at least say it to Jesus, and not to St. Francis and Seymour and Heidi's grandfather all wrapped up in one. Keep him in mind if you say it, and him only, and him as he was and not as you'd like him to have been.
Franny and Zooey

Do you know what I was smiling at? You wrote down that you were a writer by profession. It sounded to me like the loveliest euphemism I had ever heard. When was writing ever your profession? It's never been anything but your religion. Never. I'm a little over-excited now. Since it is your religion, do you know what you will be asked when you die? But let me tell you first what you won't be asked. You won't be asked if you were working on a wonderful moving piece of writing when you died. You won't be asked if it was long or short, sad or funny, published or unpublished. You won't be asked if you were in good or bad form while you were working on it. You won't even be asked if it was the one piece of writing you would have been working oil if you had known your time would be up when it was finished-I think only poor Soren K. will get asked that. I'm so sure you'll get asked only two questions.' Were most of your stars out? Were you busy writing your heart out? If only you knew how easy it would be for you to say yes to both questions. If only you'd remember before ever you sit down to write that you've been a reader long before you were ever a writer. You simply fix that fact in your mind, then sit very still and ask yourself, as a reader, what piece of writing in all the world Buddy Glass would most want to read if he had his heart's choice. The next step is terrible, but so simple I can hardly believe it as I write it. You just sit down shamelessly and write the thing yourself. I won't even underline that. It's too important to be underlined.
Seymour: an Introduction

You are what you continually choose to be.
(unknown? help me on this one)

Beyond mountains there are mountains.
Haitian proverb

motivation

sometimes (but not often), i settle myself down—sitting, slouching, leaning, lying (not the dishonest one)—and think about why i do things. anything. usually these thoughts are trivial and borderline retarded. why do i drive a car and not ride a bike to school? (i'd have to wake up way early) why do i go to university church? (habit) why do i prefer ice cream in cones? (they're delicious) why do i procrastinate? (.......because i can?) why do i spend 2 hours writing a blog?


(
why i write
usually i take solace in being misunderstood. (yes, that sounds like the defense mechanism of nerds and emos everywhere.) i'm rather content in having people believe stuff about me that isn't true, and if others are to err, i would have them do it on the poor side. that is, i don't mind people believing worse of me than what i consider to be true. see, my actions and words don't always convey the intended meaning. also, sometimes i say things that aren't true, and don't reflect what i believe, and then i forget to publicly reverse my decisions on those topics. (i guess some of this is quite purposeful.) so i know that i'm not always represented accurately. knowing that i'm not going to be seen the way i see myself, i'd much rather have people think the worse of me. i dont know why. probably because then it's easier to deal with the expectations. i really hate to disappoint.
writing is different. in writing i feel like i can explain myself better, maybe even fully. i can choose my words deliberately and craft my sentences carefully and, usually, say exactly what i want to say in the way i want to say it. i have power here.

with great power comes great responsibility. this is my gift, my curse.

good saying, peter parker. i hold it true. in my writings, i find it my responsibility to be more honest, and open, and unguarded. i'm not very comfortable with it. but it is easier than saying these things aloud in front of others. i am a bit detached from my words. i'm not physically present when you, my reader, are reading them. and that's comforting to me, probably because i don't really have to explain what i say.

i write because it's a chance to be honest. to say exactly what i want to say. i'm really good about not talking about things. i can ignore a roomful of elephants. but in my writing i'm more likely to take these things on. case in point (and i'm going to regret this, but it was a couple months ago, so it's more of a historical document by this point, which means it maybe shouldn't be so closely associated with me): if you go back to my "wish list" blog, you'll find a whole nother (yes, nother is a word today) list hidden in pale blue font below the first list. maybe some of you saw it. if you didn't, you'll have to copy and paste it somewhere, because simply highlighting over it doesn't make it any more readable.

i write because it's a chance to be understood. a lot of the time i can't bring myself to say explicitly what i want to say, but i'll write things in such a way that they do carry hidden agendas if one takes the time to find them. well, there aren't really hidden agendas. basically, you'd have to be somewhat intimately knowledgable of the situation in the first place for the riddles to have a chance at making sense. but the possibility that someone could figure out something, well, it's nice. it's rather like how i tend to use analogies and double meanings. i know, that makes it hard on people. it feels like i'm playing games. and maybe i am. but sometimes, it's the only way. the alternative would be to bottle and shelve those things. which happens regularly too.

i write because it's a chance to make things real. sharing my thoughts and feelings in this manner seems to legitimize them. it gives people the opportunity to acknowledge them. and usually, that's enough.

i write because it's a chance to be useful. sometimes i feel like i'm very different from everyone else, but usually it just takes a good passage of literature to remind myself that many others are like me. and maybe, just maybe, my writing can be of similar use. it's a lot to hope for. in fact, it's not really a hope. i hope no one needs this. i hope people feel connected anyway. but if there was something in my words that is or was or could be of value to someone, i would hope they find it, either here or elsewhere. it makes no real difference to me.

i write because it's a chance to tell you i love you. is that weird? i probably won't ever say those words to you otherwise. i'll do my damn best to show it in other ways, but i'm not very good at it. i hope it's not weird. i mean, i'm not going to apologize for these feelings. i can't. i believe in them more than just about anything. it's the basis of my religion. at least, this is the way i interpret jesus' ministry. and i want to be like jesus. i want to love you the way jesus loves you.

)