life's list of NO

things you should never do: (or at least don't admit to it, even during truth-telling games)

unless you're from new york, or have an uncle who was paul o'niell, you can't root for the yankees. unless you went to usc, you can't root for the trojans. obviously, yankees fans can cheer the trojans, and trojans fans can cheer the yankees, because they're all on the same side anyway—Satan's.

as far as superhumanly possible, never let one 18-wheeler pass another 18-wheeler on a two lane road.

never let a friend refer to himself adding an adjective in front of his name. exceptions: big (as in big tony) or little (as in little john). descriptive titles (such as darth) also are allowed.

never pay for an autograph. i mean, i can think of things that are more retarded, but not many.

if you're a guy and more than 51% hetero, never talk to another guy about the physical characteristics of his penis. unless you're a professional (i.e. urologist and/or big tony). also, when choosing a name for your peep, dont just call it little steve or patrick junior. be creative. pick heroes and gods and stuff. if your name's troy, call it hector (unless you have a friend who's achilles). if you're an alibino, moby. chuck norris would work, but there can be only one chuck norris, and you wouldn't want the real chuck norris going around and exposing all the posers.
also, while i'm on the inappropriate topic, i think it would be a good joke to put a nickle in someone else's wallet so it creates a really small condom outline. put silver dollars in your own wallet if it makes you feel better.

as a general rule, don't tell someone he or she looks like an animal. i'm sure there are some exceptions. let me provide you with a list of never-can-be-an-exception: anteater, water buffalo, hyena, gremlin, blowfish, taun taun, anaconda, blastoise, Rob Schneider, behemoth

never trust a guy who is named mitchell and insists on going by mitchell and not mitch. if he really really insists on mitchell, call him mitch anyway so you can still trust him.

never go for the smaller sized ice cream when the larger size costs only 50 cents more. even if you know you aren't going to be able to finish it or find a homeless person to give it to.

never try to fit in at a walmart. or a starbucks. ever.

don't ask stupid questions about movies. don't rent "the ring" and ask someone which one was frodo. don't rent "return of the king" and ask people if they think gandalf went to hogwarts. don't rent "chamber of secrets" and ask if aragog and shelob and charlotte (wilbur's friend) are related.

don't intentionally kill a mosquito bomber.