watercolors (blurry eyes)

watercolors (blurry eyes)

your face now tells me you don't remember
(your world is refractory)
my earth joy-danced the paths you walked
(where is your true emotion?)

holding my thoughts deep inside
we'll make small talk
and in the evenings
i'll wish i had the courage to call

there is a distance
is that your defense?
maybe if you were fifteen you'd allow yourself to hope

and when you do draw close, i reach out and clasp tight
but still our hearts separate easily
maybe i've never touched yours

holding my thoughts deep inside
i'll be nice to your friends
but when we're all in a circle
i'll be quiet and look most at the ground

there is a distance
and you look to it sometimes
what is so far off?
and why do you not go there?

(selfishly, i'd wish it with me)
i hope there is a future
with good days when you smile for the existence of pinwheels
and bad days when tears come and you don't leave the room
because you are not alone
in your beautiful world

it's all in the wist

it's not so simple {but of course it's not so simple. if it was so simple, i'd have figured it all out, and it wouldn't be bothering me, and i wouldn't be bothering you} but i miss the quiet productivity of last year. it was so nice {it's easy now to say such things categorically}. granted, i was just as {un}happy, but at least there was a reason, and at least things were getting done. (well, i'm not really unhappy. it's some weird mix between "i'm only happy when i'm not;" and a general aversion to good things because they always come at some price; and the general "i learn my lessons, so no way in hell {because it was} i'm gonna let that happen to me again" mentality. yes, this is a bit cryptic, and i'm ok with that.)

of course, last year i was making the same complaint (that is, missing the past). (only it was the opposite, because i was so happy, though so unproductive, in vietnam the year before)

maybe i just need someone to make me study.

meditation, epiphany, and then rejecting the opportunity for self-growth

It's a ridiculous notion. I know it doesn't make sense. It's irrational. And I'm rather rational, so it'd seem like I'd be able to work my way around it, but it's just a feeling I get and there's no talking myself out of it. I don't trust happiness.

It's too ephemeral, it's too fugitive, it's too flighty, it's too capricious. It's never around long enough to bask in its comfort. And it always comes at a price, and most of the time, I'd rather forgo both cost and benefit. This isn't just "Change sucks" or "Here's why I don't take many risks" (these things have their roles, probably, but aren't the cornerstone). You know how some people think they have a certain number of heart beats before they die? I feel like I'm allotted a certain amount of happiness. And it's not very much, and I don't want to waste it, especially not when I'm alone.

I know, I know, this maybe makes sense if you think the gods are jealous. It's never a good idea to be prettier than Aphrodite.

If I had to guess (I'm always doing this anyway) I'd say it's just a way of keeping things level. Going high only makes for more of a drop when you fall. Oh dammit all, is this another defense mechanism? Come on. How pathetic. Couldn't it be something more clever or robust, or at least something with a little more depth? It's just another wussy reason not to be excited or open up or trust others, etc etc. Oh don't even try to live up to your name, Vuk. Still, it's a good thing I caught this myself. If I was seeing a shrink, (s)he'd probably try to get me to do something about this. Try and get me to waste some of my precious happiness. And for what? There's no one around worth wasting it on. Well maybe family. But they already know I'm most happy when I'm not, so it'd just confuse things (more). See, a little introspection saves money and happiness.

familiarity

ahh test week. as abusive as ever. i've had difficulty concentrating, so i'm considering recycling. how illegal is it to publish bits from a personal letter written some time ago? is there some sort of expiration date? the note was written more recently than when i started blogging (two years ago. good grief i'm old).

friend rankings (low to high, based much on the things you share (i think. this was some time ago)):

fire drill friends
festival friends
facts friends
food friends
fallback friends (faute de mieux)
favorites friends
feelings friends
fears friends
fast friends
fairy-tale friends
finality friends

something i noticed from reading my old writings (a literary analysis of myself!) is that usually when i wish to present an idea or joke i'm uncomfortable owning up to (for various reasons, but usually the inherent tactlessness of whatever i'm wanting to say), i usually allow an alter ego to present it. i achieve this mainly by letting opposing voices (presumably in my head) engage in dialogue. in doing so, i save face by having one of my personalities play it straight and uphold duty and morals and all that. the other deviates as he pleases. consider:

[modified from the end of a cheer-up note]

"but at least you're not dead. so there's your solace.

jw

{{yeah, you're not much of a comforter}}
{what does that mean?}
{{you're no good in bed}}
{remind me never to let you talk to girls}"

so yeah, i think it works out pretty well for me.

for all of you in my class who are studying psychopathology and suspecting an auditory hallucination from an overactive limbic cortex, rest assured. there are way more than two voices in my head. i just screen out the bizzare ones, sometimes. enjoy your meal.

WTS [1 hour of my precious study time] 5g obo pst

at school, there are always "interest group" meetings. i'm not quite sure why. i think they're the residency equivalent of premed or predent societies. you get the internal medicine interest group (IMIG) or the mission interest group (MIG) or the pediatrics interest group (presumably PIG, but it's never been advertised as such).

these events often include food, which is probably their major draw. medical students are easily bought. feed us a $2.50 burrito and give us a water bottle, and we're yours for 45 minutes (especially if we have lab in the afternoon and therefore need to be back on campus later). for all our self-professed high standards and professional responsibilities, we are whores for a free meal.

to be fair, the ceremonies that accompanies the meals probably are worth it. the meal is probably a perk. but wow. just think. for twenty thousand bucks or so, you could indoctrinate a whole generation of physicians with whatever sort of lunchtime garbage you wanted to feed them. religion, politics, business practices, anything. and they'd soak it up better than they do psychopathology.

what? you study? fascinating. do explain.

lies i tell:

it's on the left. half way down. you can't miss it.

oh, no, class doesn't start until 10 today.

yeah, she's great. and you're so good together.

well, i'd better get going. gotta study, ya know.

i just happened to be around, thought i'd stop by.

see you soon!

just let me finish this level. i'll be there in a sec. (random thought, if it's more than one sec, is it secs?)

electron orbital hybridization? i was wondering about that myself. i have no idea.

sorry.

oh, i'd love to but i have some family stuff going on.

please? i wont stay long.

that'll buff right out.

yeah, i'd love to try some of your homemade eggplant artichoke bread.


most of these are just conversation grease. things you say to keep interactions running smoothly.

other times, i get asked a question i dont want to answer. in some circumstances, lying is really the best way out. for some reason, people assume that just because they ask a question, they should get an answer (or perhaps what it really is is that many people think they have to answer a question asked of them. but either way.) this isn't true. sometimes it's appropriate to answer these questions with an "i'd rather not say." sometimes saying that does answer the question, or sometimes that answer seems to also imply "oh, i'm actually dying to tell you the answer so please use the next 45 minutes to drag the answer out of me." i take these opportunities to create fiction.

mercynary: for Higher (band and album name for a christian group)

weekend quiz

question 1
why was this weekend awesome? (pick 5)

a. jimmy eat world is amazing in concert, especially when the set includes 23, work, hear you me, pain, and sweetness.
b. steve irwin and arnold schwarzenegger impressions never get old, even if it basically the exact same thing last year
c. we watched crouching tiger, hidden dragon (though i fell asleep and maaaaaaaybe snored)
d. pine springs ranch was very fun, especially saturday afternoon sports
e. we got a girl to drink the hot chocolate into which she'd just 5 minutes earlier dumped a large amount of salt (with the hopes that someone could be tricked into drinking it). (she should be happy about this. it won her some cute points. it also lost her some smart points. or maybe she knew that this would win her cute points, and was doing all this for my amusement. false. it's a widely acknowledged fact that girls will do most anything to find my favor, but this kind of scheming is smart and manipulative, and girls just aren't capable of that, right?)

correct answer: A, A, C, D, E. "A" should be circled twice, possibly with hearts.

question 2
the st. louis rams are *best* described as which of the following?
a. 0-4
b. pathetic
c. still being cheered for by most Los Angeles bandwagoners
d. a decent matchup against the new orleans saints
e. wankers that are single-handedly costing someone his fantasy football season

*best* correct answer: E

question 3
list 3 movies that are currently playing in theaters:

answer: i'll pretty much accept any answer. i have no idea myself, and don't really care to (though i'm sure i could be persuaded).

question 4
at the round earth's imagin'd corners, blow
a. your trumpets angels and arise
b. your nose
c. hard. as in, "oh tobias you"
d. blow blow your chance at the postseason, silly mets
e. bubbles

answer: A. we've donne this all before. suppose i could have said "death be not proud" but everyone's heard that, and this way i appear slightly smarter than a simple wikipedia search. this is an illusion. it's just that i've explored different avenues (clicked different links in the sequence that led me to this place. a familiar place, because we sang a song in high school using these lyrics.)

question 5 (last one, cuz i'm getting tired)
man's best friend =
a. dog
b. cat or other animal not dog
c. car/truck
d. computer
e. woman

answer: varies. i'm always amazed though by people who can care for more than one for any length of time. except an ant farm. those little guys really don't need much human involvement.

arcadia: memento mori

timing is everything (this is the supposition i'll attempt to stick to)

sometimes i wish i drank coffee so i could pour cream into it and watch. i wish the air was coloured and would billow and whorl and twist and break around me like so.

twirl to the left and watch entropy go.
twirl to the right and watch it unmix.

what if it did unmix? what if we weren't all bound for heat death and could revolt against King Chaos and mix and unmix as we pleased?

it'd be fun to watch. fireworks in reverse. blowing bubbles and breathing in and watching them all return to the wand. rebounding the thunder and watching another flash of lightning. don't brake; decelerate. ununtie your shoes and lets go.

would you be able to un-blow kisses? could you un-boil blood, or unbleed? would "wipe that smile off your face" be the same as un-"breaking into a grin?" is it hello, or repealing the previous goodbye? where would the tears go when they rolled up cheeks? how would you know, when you looked in her eyes, if the forever you saw was past or future? would the dagger hurt as much coming out as going in?

and at the end of the night, there's another dusk, and the world may forget (or unsee) dawn.

appositely, the light ne'er leaves, the shadows flee, and we all faint from heat exhaustion.

vagrancy

i was writing a sonnet today and it was going well but the rhymes ended up confounding the message and i can't fix it and that's irritating me.

sometimes i worry with my poetry (and all my literature) because i fear messages may be read into my words. for instance, today it was a love sonnet. in no real way am i qualified to write a love sonnet at this point in time. but the ideas came to me, and so i wrote it. not for, nor to, nor about, nor with, nor at, nor regarding anyone. i'm sure some sources (history or fantasy) were utilized, but it's just a poem. it's not necessarily a reflection of present truth or future hopes or yesterday's feelings. it could be, but you're not as likely to find that here. i censor content much more than i censor vocabularly. penis.

today i worked at being nice. i think it went over the top. not that it matters. i succeeded, and it doesn't matter if it appeared real or not, because it was.

i've slipped. it's part of the mindwashing that is medical school. i've traded some of my freedom for fitting in and meeting expectations. it wasn't a big deal, but from what i can tell, it's all part of the slippery slope into medical indoctrination and despair. forget the hippocratic oath. well, here it is.

I swear by Apollo Physician and Asclepius and Hygieia and Panaceia and all the gods and goddesses, making them my witnesses, that I will fulfill according to my ability and judgment this oath and this covenant:
To hold him who has taught me this art as equal to my parents and to live my life in partnership with him, and if he is in need of money to give him a share of mine, and to regard his offspring as equal to my brothers in male lineage and to teach them this art - if they desire to learn it - without fee and covenant; to give a share of precepts and oral instruction and all the other learning to my sons and to the sons of him who has instructed me and to pupils who have signed the covenant and have taken an oath according to the medical law, but no one else.
I will apply dietetic measures for the benefit of the sick according to my ability and judgment; I will keep them from harm and injustice.
I will neither give a deadly drug to anybody who asked for it, nor will I make a suggestion to this effect. Similarly I will not give to a woman an abortive remedy. In purity and holiness I will guard my life and my art.
I will not use the knife, not even on sufferers from stone, but will withdraw in favor of such men as are engaged in this work.
Whatever houses I may visit, I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons, be they free or slaves.
What I may see or hear in the course of the treatment or even outside of the treatment in regard to the life of men, which on no account one must spread abroad, I will keep to myself, holding such things shameful to be spoken about.
If I fulfill this oath and do not violate it, may it be granted to me to enjoy life and art, being honored with fame among all men for all time to come; if I transgress it and swear falsely, may the opposite of all this be my lot.

ok, so it says do what's in the patient's best interest and dont have sex with them. brilliant. and leave the surgery to surgeons. yes. good idea. it also says no abortion and no euthanasia. it also says teach doctors kids to be doctors if they want to be, and do it for free. well, this is debatable. it also says don't teach medicine to people who aren't doctors. i'm pretty sure this is the reason AIDS is such a problem and cholera exists at all (well, lack of knowledge and the fact that people don't act as rationally as economic theory assumes).

maybe it would be useful if people wrote out vows. swear before God the things you believe.

no, that's too dramatic, too binding. it'd never work in our society.

maybe this is where prayer comes in. to me, prayer is wonderful for reminding me what's important. when something needs to be done, i write it on my list. it doesn't get prayed for (usually). prayer is for priorities. maybe what needs to happen is i need to work for the answering of the prayers harder myself.

this is a difficult area for me. in some ways, i expect to throw up a hail mary and hope god catches it for a touchdown. opposingly, i think i should be responsible for making good things happen. i am the hands and feet for my God. i am His mouthpiece. i am the bringer of Good News and the emissary and executor of His goodness and mercy. i have this power (i like to think it's God-given). why would i not use it?

and still people trade Life for meaninglessness, for ephemera, for fame, for gratification, for trillion dollar pittances, for vengeance, for vanities. and i do the same. the influence of peers, of community is irrepressible. oh, to be alone.

i'm wandering. i'm caught up in the overworld. here's why:

there's a little girl that i met who's very afraid. her step-dad drinks (this is one of the primary problems) and has physically abused her mom, and she tries to protect her mom by acting out at home. it works to some degree; some of the fighting that would go on between the mom and dad instead is directed at her. but this frustrates her mom, who loves her. the step-dad doesn't seem to care to be involved. he's scared of the girl. scared of upsetting her and causing another tantrum that he doesn't want to have to deal with.

and the girl feels unloved. but don't worry, that'll probably change soon. temporarily. she's at the age where her body is about to change, and some boy or man will desire it, and he'll tell her he loves her. and he'll probably get out of her what he wants. and when he's done, he'll probably leave, and she'll still be looking for love. and all she needs is her dad to tell her he loves her and that he's proud of her and that she's special and why the fuck wohtn poehwapl;sdfghkl;dfghkdhfjkslh

i'm calming. trying to. but damn it all. this isn't some sex slave a world away. this is just beyond my sphere of influence and it's infuriating.

unfurling the night sky and light-dotting the dark expanse

moonbeams are best for thinking when the consumption starts its wasting
the lunar aether binds together worlds once separated by determination
regret isn't right word, for all its forlorn implications
marvel may do.
i marvel at the way the world fractures over and over
and regularly shatters itself into realities
and people watch and break themselves

lost, broken shards
he loves me : he loves me not
soli deo gloria : deus otiosus
cast your bread upon the waters : look out for number one
all you need is love : diamonds are
do unto others as : all's fair in love and war
out of sight, out of mind : absence make the heart grow fonder
leave no man behind : cut your losses
his intentions were noble : do or do not
beauty is only skin deep : in the eye of the beholder
better safe than sorry : fortune favors the bold
means : ends
forgive: avenge
you are not a beautiful or unique snowflake : it tolls for thee
everything happens for a reason : c'est la vie

I am the Dichotomous, champion of Chaos
who drifts between worlds
working havoc, wreaking calamity
laying low Contiguity and leaving Consistency the ruins of Doubt
there is no room for settlement in a land destroyed
so I am forced to wander for the fullness of time which is when


i will die

and at some moments i feel this thorougly and unobscuredly
and the shards are as bits of dust
worthless fragments
relics from a broken past
and I can see in the plain the Beautiful Palace,
where we can live forever

the title was too long, it’s been moved to the next line down

indiscretions and inconsistencies after a long night of dream drinking and and [sic] the following failure to sober by sunrise

sometimes i wish i could just write titles, and leave the actual stories and poems and melodies to be imaginated (not a real word, but still got 20,000 google hits) by the title-reader.

i cleaned my room recently, and it was enlightening and hallucinogenic. and it was that loss of control that i found less than ideal. i woke up one morning and i could have sworn i was 18, was late for math (which was bad, because i hadn't started the homework due that day), had to remember to print out my well thought out but hopelessly unrevised western thought essays (which i would get As on anyway, because if you train a teacher to think you're smart, they'll grade you on that and not by the quality if the work you actually turn in. or at the very least, they'll be sympathetic to your real or contrived excuses), and was in love with jenn young (by default).

i can't remember the dream that caused me to wake in such a state, but it suffered from a bit of historical revisionism. i was rarely late to math class. if i was running late, i just didn't go. homework wasn't due until that afternoon, and i really didn't need the teacher to explain anything. western thought essays were, at least for the boring books (e.g. major barbara, paradise lost, and stuff by mill, locke and rousseau, and pico) or books with historical allegory that i was unable to fully appreciate because i didn't bother reading the history text (animal farm, gulliver's travels), sparknotes paraphrasing (but while i'm here, i should (well, not really should, but it's a free chance to make myself look erudite) mention that i enjoyed many of the books in that class, notably: heart of darkness, the plague, a doll's house, arcadia, all quiet on the western front, the prince, the works we read by st. augustine and boethius. i think that's it). and at the time, it wasn't jenn young, but that was the default setting for a series of epochs surrounding that era, so it fits.

i have a terrible memory for experiences and feelings, so when this all hit quite strongly, i was surprised.

fact: my quality of life has plummeted now that peter's gone. serenity never lasts long enough.

fact*: patel is not as common a surname in india as it is elsewhere in the world. it is common in regions of india, and a disproportionately large amount of people from those regions have immigrated to the UK or US.

* possibly not true. i heard it and thought it interesting. but "fact" bears more weight than "hearsay"

acronym of the day: BHNC - big hat, no cattle

backronym of the day (in light of the imminent commencement of school): NKDA - not known, didn't ask (as opposed to its ODSA meaning, "no known drug allergies")

other useful ODSA terms:
FLK - funny looking kid
GBC - general body crumble
PISA - permanent and irrecoverable state of alcoholism
TOBASH - take out back and shoot
UBI - unexplained beer injury
UNIVAC - unusually nasty infection; vultures are circling
DRT - dead right there
DRTTTT - dead right there, there, there, and there (see? humor is the best way to deal with tragedy)
PBP - proctodynia by proxy

Would Muhammad Ali's GOAT (Greatest Of All Time) line of food products also be considered a snackronym or a blackronym?

best quote i’ve seen today

But think of Adam and Eve like an imaginary number, like the square root of minus one: you can never see any concrete proof that it exists, but if you include it in your equations, you can calculate all manner of things that couldn't be imagined without it.

Lord Asriel in The Golden Compass (which is soon to be a major motion picture), by Phillip Pullman

though i'm a little sad for the movie, because the script was originally to be done by tom stoppard, who is quite fun, and having just finished pullman's book and having read some stoppard in the past, i think tom would have done a good job because the material (haha its a word joke. the pullman trilogy is called His Dark Materials (which, if you read the very beginning of the book, you'll find is from Paradise Lost)) seems well suited for him.

double standard deviation

i have never understood people who expect more of others than they do of themselves. in a certain sense of the word. i mean, i expect kobe bryant to be better at basketball than me. i expect george bush to receive more criticism than me. i expect the garbageman to visit more houses than me. i expect girls to sing higher than me. i expect taco bell to make lunch faster than me. i expect supermarket tabloids to know more about skankiness than me. i expect the cincinatti bengals to employ more lawyers than me. i expect blood banks to hold more blood than me.

but i dont really expect policeman to be better judges of the law than me. i dont expect my pastor to be more moral than me. i dont expect my teachers to use better logic than me. i dont expect my friends to understand me better than me.

maybe this still seems reasonable. but there's more.

i expect the best of myself, and i often expect less than the best of others. practically, this works pretty well. theoretically, it seems demeaning and self-righteous.

when i mess up, i expect myself to rectify things. sometimes i find excuses if there's nothing better to do, but i rarely believe them myself. i also tend to hold myself above the reproach of others, deciding instead that i'm sufficiently demanding of myself.

with others, i can make anything not their fault. i can rationalize most everything. in taking away their responsibility, i also take from them part of their authority to choose. maybe not physically, but at least in my mind. i must (begrudgingly) conclude that this says something about the respect i have for that person.

it's not in my nature to expect or accept from myself anything less than my best (maybe this is my belief in God, or maybe I am making excuses my behavior in the form of inherent credos). im wishing right now i could be more fair with others. there's much unfairness in things as it is. i'd rather not contribute.

Crucio! (Never used an Unforgivable Curse before, have you, boy? You need to mean them, Potter)

he cruellest thing rowling could do would be to kill off both ron and hermione.

English translation

Long ago there shone everywhere the eternity you dreamed of.
Is your sky still deep and blue?
Sometimes I want to deny the histories I saw or caused.
Who decides what is forgotten?

I made promises far too often back then.
Did you hope I would keep them?
A girl I used to know was married last weekend.
Where do you find happiness?

And when stars twinkle or the wind makes you laugh, is it still me you think of?
Or do you search your heart for me at dusk on a rainy day?
When your mind wanders does it go to our meeting place?
Do you reach for my hand when the beauty of the world catches you and fills you with gladness?

In discreet moments I find myself wondering.

Do you know what you want yet?
I'm still waiting, maybe for you.

the melancholy of thackary downs

sometimes when i'm bored i close my eyes tight and just wait for the shapes to appear from the darkness. usually they start out green or grey, but if i rub my eyes i can get yellows and purples. sometimes i even see crowds of cartoon heads, othertimes it looks like maybe a fractal (the julia set, or so i like to think, mainly because i like that name). sometimes i can't even figure out what i'm "seeing." i feel like something's there, but it never reveals itself. i can never really make out any of the images anyway; they're shadows made from fog, existing only as long as you don't try and figure out what exactly they are.

sometimes when i'm bored i close my eyes tight and just wait for the thoughts to appear from the darkness. that sounds morbid and sometimes it is.

`Very true,' said the Duchess: `flamingoes and mustard both bite. And the moral of that is--"Birds of a feather flock together."'

`Only mustard isn't a bird,' Alice remarked.

`Right, as usual,' said the Duchess: `what a clear way you have of putting things!'

`It's a mineral, I think,' said Alice.

don't ask where that came from. i mean, Alice in Wonderland, to be sure, but why I chose to interject it just there, well you ask the impossible. i should sooner berth a whale.

it's a bad week for cars. i should have heeded the warning. on saturday night i dreamt i was in a car crash. and there have been automobile issues on both sunday and monday. if the world is thematic and revolves around me (it is and it does), i should think there should be a series of incidents all week leading up to saturday night, which is when i'll be totaling my motor vehicle. however, the spot may not be mine to claim, so we'll just say that whoever trashes his or her car this coming sabbath is the very center of the universe.

todo
today: ballgame. angels royals. santana meche. me duv peter jarrod.
tomorrow: no plans. it's a wednesday. not a good day for plans.
someday: sit down in my pretty how town and figure out what anyone and everyone and noone mean to me

heart's anxiety

i hate going to sleep having just showered. my hair is going to be unwieldy in the morning. it can't be helped. i'm bushed. *insert poor pun...no wait, i'll do it myself* like the white house.

i'm running out of excuses not to do things now that school's over. if i'm not tricky and/or deceitful on a regular basis, i'll wind up with less free time this summer than i had during the school year.

congrats on graduating stina. it'll be a real bother when you're gone next year. i won't know who to invite to the movies. congrats to all you other graduates too. mostly doug. actually doug, i'll give you and christina all the congratulations and you can divvy it up for all the worthy graduates. for the entire world. no complaints. santa does roughly the same thing in 6 months.

i heard this quote somewhere "Emphasizing a lifestyle based on consumption is the ultimate violence against a poor country."

perhaps my timing is bad (given the heaviness of the previous line) but when did people start getting so damn serious about things. i wish i could talk in allegory, and give y'all a little riddle to figure out so you could feel accomplished. but i'm lazy, and the message is the same. ($#!%. now i have a message? sounds like i'm getting serious myself...whatever) all this wedding stuff interferes with hockey. if i was to listen (i don't really) i'd probably hear people talking about stability and salary and stipend and suburbia and submortgage and substance abuse. seriously? seriously? what happened to broadening horizons? what happened to big dreams? what happened to remembering all those things that used to inspire us to want to be great or to do great things? what is with people trying to create their own little isolated worlds? (actually, it seems like it would make things simpler, which should (and does) appeal to me.) but isn't that what settling down is? restructuring your lives around the few things which with you're most comfortable. i hope to God i'm not talking about either of you, corey and erik. you deserve and are capable of so much. and certainly it is wonderful that you're getting married. but if your world collapses into the concerns of only 1 household, i will be crushed, regardless of how much i stay in your lives (which will be a lot regardless. it'll be well nigh impossible to get rid of me. like a virus. i need a capsid.)

you know the drill

or rather, i know the drill.

6th week = tests = restlessness = blog time = make some stuff up

so it's not really like i have a choice in the matter.

actually, that's one of my favorite excuses. the whole "it wasn't my decision" route. the "sorry, company policy" or "it's just my nature" or "i don't make the rules, i just play by them."

it does a remarkable job of externalizing any potential blame. and sometimes rightly so. the penguins lost to the rangers yesterday. there's really nothing i could have done about that. at least, not easily.

i have tests tomorrow. there's nothing i can do about those either. seriously. no let me talk this one out.

i have tests, but it's in my nature to prepare moderately well for them. in the time i have left. it's not in my nature to study for such things ahead of time. just like it's not in my nature to do something poorly, or let something turn out badly. (these qualities run in very stark opposition to my procrastination virtues, but really, that's just the way of things, and there's not much i can do about it.)

i'm kind of a good model for consistency. wait. no i'm not. and i'm probably not a very good judge, what with all the bias and all.

i like to think i could be a good model for consistency. but then, i like to think i could be a good model for a great many things. let's list them:

integrity
loyalty
brilliance
bravado
humility
intonation
optimism
nutrition
freestyle
saying the right thing
malice
indecision
detachment
springboard diving
cologne

this list extends rather indefinitely. the pattern is (and would continue to be) pretty predictable. i start with the obviously ridiculous ideas, lean somewhat toward ones that could be believable (if only to make the initial ones feel like they were somewhat true), poke some fun at my supposed lesser qualities, and wrap it all up with a joke. i also make sure that it's internally unsound. as i told a friend today, i see honesty more as a last resort than a primary policy.

well, it's 1, and tests start early. also, i wake up even earlier to review. i hate having to sleep. it'd be nicer if it was more optional. like salt.

and i quit writing when my analogies fall apart like origami paper cranes.

paper cranes make me sad. it makes me think of a book i read about a japanese girl, named sadako, and world war two. and then i think of grave of the fireflies. (oh yeah, sorry jill, i watched it. so don't feel constrained. or if you want to wait and watch it with me sometime(?) that works. kinda. i cried when i saw it. i imagine i'd probably once more do so, were i to see it again.) that movie is really damn depressing.

life's list of NO

things you should never do: (or at least don't admit to it, even during truth-telling games)

unless you're from new york, or have an uncle who was paul o'niell, you can't root for the yankees. unless you went to usc, you can't root for the trojans. obviously, yankees fans can cheer the trojans, and trojans fans can cheer the yankees, because they're all on the same side anyway—Satan's.

as far as superhumanly possible, never let one 18-wheeler pass another 18-wheeler on a two lane road.

never let a friend refer to himself adding an adjective in front of his name. exceptions: big (as in big tony) or little (as in little john). descriptive titles (such as darth) also are allowed.

never pay for an autograph. i mean, i can think of things that are more retarded, but not many.

if you're a guy and more than 51% hetero, never talk to another guy about the physical characteristics of his penis. unless you're a professional (i.e. urologist and/or big tony). also, when choosing a name for your peep, dont just call it little steve or patrick junior. be creative. pick heroes and gods and stuff. if your name's troy, call it hector (unless you have a friend who's achilles). if you're an alibino, moby. chuck norris would work, but there can be only one chuck norris, and you wouldn't want the real chuck norris going around and exposing all the posers.
also, while i'm on the inappropriate topic, i think it would be a good joke to put a nickle in someone else's wallet so it creates a really small condom outline. put silver dollars in your own wallet if it makes you feel better.

as a general rule, don't tell someone he or she looks like an animal. i'm sure there are some exceptions. let me provide you with a list of never-can-be-an-exception: anteater, water buffalo, hyena, gremlin, blowfish, taun taun, anaconda, blastoise, Rob Schneider, behemoth

never trust a guy who is named mitchell and insists on going by mitchell and not mitch. if he really really insists on mitchell, call him mitch anyway so you can still trust him.

never go for the smaller sized ice cream when the larger size costs only 50 cents more. even if you know you aren't going to be able to finish it or find a homeless person to give it to.

never try to fit in at a walmart. or a starbucks. ever.

don't ask stupid questions about movies. don't rent "the ring" and ask someone which one was frodo. don't rent "return of the king" and ask people if they think gandalf went to hogwarts. don't rent "chamber of secrets" and ask if aragog and shelob and charlotte (wilbur's friend) are related.

don't intentionally kill a mosquito bomber.

pis aller

correlation may as well be causation. no media i know bothers to separate the two.

time for the old "peace vs. truth" debate. no no, this isn't luther and erasmus (i mean, it is, but not tonight). tonight it's "heroes" and biochemistry.

in no way do i expect to do well on my biochemistry exam tomorrow. i imagine i'll pass (but i always imagine i'll pass a test. i have a terrific imagination. which is why i prefer people not to wear clothes that "leave nothing to the imagination" because then there's a whole lot of talent going to waste.) but traditionally, i do most of my best learning the night before a test. so really, this is my best chance to learn a whole lot of biochem. so, advantage productivity.

there's no good reason to watch heroes tonight. tomorrow night would be just as good. better even, because i'll have really nothing to do. well, i sorta told my dad otherwise. he asked what i planned to do to celebrate being done with tests. i replied "copious amounts of alcohol." he laughed. it'd be a lot funnier if i actually drank and he didn't know about it. otherwise it's just me being a smartass.

speaking of which....



i've probably watched this 15 times. diminishing returns hasn't set in yet.

well, it's all been settled. heroes it is. hiro desu. thanks for all your love and support.

what? that wasn't the logical conclusion? look, i'm no logician. (wait, that's a real word.) look, i'm no statistician. (wait, still too close.) look, i'm no ration. (like a biscuit? gravy?) look, i'm no aberration. (hmm, don't want that being debated.) look, i'm no abortionist (well, i aborted the study idea). whateva. whateva. i do what i want. i kick puppy dogs with steel-toed boots.

iMuse (not like I, Robot, because muses were goddesses. i'm more the male counterpart.)

i started this thursday before the cell mock board, got tired of it, meant to finish it yesterday but i fell asleep at 6:30, woke up at 2:30 this morning (that's a solid 8 hours sleep), got tired of it again, so maybe i can finish now. it's a little dated in parts (unlike yours truly) because of when it was begun.

"tests are, well, not quite close to done, but fast approaching that point. i can tell by the fact that bawling fits have turned into balling fists, which i think is a sign of anxiety. (i really don't think i'm going to go an punch someone out. except maybe in a hecka old mike tyson video game.)

speaking of video games (super-successful-segue five *snap*), i really was going to study [last] saturday night, but then we went to jay's and it was awesome.

sunday was quite possibly my worst mother's day performance in quite some time/years. i think i should throw my mom a surprise mother's day sometime in the near future.

holidays with expectations are overrated, except fourth of july. or maybe i just don't like obligations that i didn't sign up for. actually, i'm very certain that is the case."

and now we're all caught up. it's saturday morning. jarrod gets home tonight. the marine layer has taken the sky. my windows are closed but the blinds are up so it's bright and i can see the birds but the chirping is muted. and now i hear the freeway. it's a beautiful world, even when it isn't. or maybe. the world is not beautiful, therefore it is. something like that, eh? shut up canada. you're not prettier, just northier. was perelandra pretty? did i even read that book? sometimes a book sits on my shelf for so long that i think i've read it. (sometimes a person has been in my class for so long that i think i've talked to him or her.) but no, it's just a matter of recognition, and i have very little idea as to what's on the inside, apart from what i've heard.

rumors have it garage voice will be here this coming week. i'm super excited.



i'm also excited for tests to be over. that way we can all go back to being friends, and not "people we used to know and like and talk to before the testing tyrannies ruled my life."

March 12

Last year I tasted sweetness. This year I ate a sandwich. Both may cost me friendships. But at least I know what the problem is now. Actually, I knew before, but finally it makes sense. It's too bad I'll have to keep it to myself. Or maybe I won't. It's hard to decide.

for lindsay and lindsey and dustin and michael and bruce and brian and others, i suppose

ok, it's not really for you. i mean, sure it is. but mostly it's a thank you for when you write. even if it's from china, brian. i did most of my best write thinking when i was abroad. or working for the newspaper. yeah, cos thinking back, a bit of my abroad writing was to jill. hi jill. i miss writing to you.

this is going to turn into an open letter to everyone, i'm thinking.

how to study during test week:
- make sure you haven't learned much all quarter (no thanks to me not making time to study with you, sarah and danelle. sorry. things were not good. we can talk about it later, if you really want to know, and i kinda hope you dont.)
- read through all the notes the day before. haphazardly. with frequent naps and drink breaks.
- wake up the morning of and read through all the notes again. hooray short term memory.
- race through the test as fast as you can so you have maximal time to study for the test tomorrow. or, as was the case this morning, so you can take an extra long nap before you go see spiderman this afternoon. thanks for coming, ryan and ginger and john. sorry i got all mixed up and sat on the wrong side of the theater. hope you wrote that paper, stina. duv, did you do any homework tonight? did you even eat dinner? those cookies dont count as a meal. mom's not home, so yes, i do get to say that.

we should play hockey this weekend. or rail baron again. eric and craig, i think you're the ones who need to be paying attention to this. (oh also, we're gathing a posse to go get jarrod on may 19. he gets back then.)

i watched the office just now. maybe i'll wait a week and then talk about it, just so you can see it if you haven't already. this means you danielle and erik. (oh, erik, you also belong in the above paragraph. or are you going to greg's faculty lunch thing saturday? also, have i told you my plan for your bachelor party? we're going to a bookstore for the 7th harry potter book release. i'm very excited)

hi doug. hi peter. if i was to fly up for graduation, can you pick me up in portland or seattle or something? i know, that's worse than asking for a ride to LAX.

hi kat and albert. hang in there. boards will be done soon and then you're practically doctors. i mean, i'd let you give me a breast exam. and if you wanted to palpate mediastinal lymph nodes, well hey, just go for it. it doesn't make sense to me, but what do i know. maybe your skinny fingers can fit through my intercostal muscles. there's only one way to find out.

hi alex rodriguez. will you please start hitting again? my fantasy team needs it. remember, there's no "i" in fantasy team. (on an unrelated note, there is "fantasy meat" in "fantasy team." if you cared. i sure dont)

hi bill watterson. i think you're still alive. please create some more calvin and hobbes for me. besides providing me hours of entertainment, they are great gifts for surprise 3/4 birthdays.

dear dr. werner,
i have objective tinnitus, because all those facts i learned for today have become dislodged and are rattling around in my head and it's annoying as hell. no. annoying as billowing clouds of gnats. (which i think is associated with infectious endocarditis (do we know what it does in the heart, like murmur-wise? because i know what it does everywhere else) and sarcoidosis (and i hope i get some of that sweet band keratopathy))

i sure use parentheses a lot. i should buy them in bulk.

dear alter egos,
how many of you are there?

jarrod,
summer check list (and we have to do 5 or more of the following): hollywood bowl, daisuke, some soccer game (chelsea or whatever), risk 2210, some rpg (mmo counts). am i missing anything?

dear strongbad,
what's the best way to make your associates (and/or dissociates) throw you a surprise 3/4 birthday party?
jw
redlands (as in the color of the dirt here), california
or you can pretend i'm "junior asparagus" from "veggie tales" but actually dont because i dont want any vegetables at my party. it's too much of a moral grey zone. (which is silly, because i've been a part of active youthinasia for a couple years)

room art conceptions

The walls are still white. This is just a beginning. I'm not completely set on these. Actually, I'm completely set on some of these. Actually, I did this once before, but it didn't save. So this isn't as complete as the first try. But on to the material:

Be the change you want to see in the world.
Mahatma Ghandi

Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.
Marcus Aurelius

For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required.
Luke 12:48.

Don't panic.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

We assert then that nothing has been accomplished without interest on the part of the actors; and — if interest be called passion, inasmuch as the whole individuality, to the neglect of all other actual or possible interests and claims, is devoted to an object with every fibre of volition, concentrating all its desires and powers upon it — we may affirm absolutely that nothing great in the World has been accomplished without passion.
Hegel

Being able to remain on that dizzying crest: that is integrity and the rest is subterfuge. Albert Camus

...there's no difference at all, that I can see, between the man who's greedy for material treasure- or even intellectual treasure- and the man who's greedy for spiritual treasure.
Franny and Zooey

If you're going to say the Jesus Prayer, at least say it to Jesus, and not to St. Francis and Seymour and Heidi's grandfather all wrapped up in one. Keep him in mind if you say it, and him only, and him as he was and not as you'd like him to have been.
Franny and Zooey

Do you know what I was smiling at? You wrote down that you were a writer by profession. It sounded to me like the loveliest euphemism I had ever heard. When was writing ever your profession? It's never been anything but your religion. Never. I'm a little over-excited now. Since it is your religion, do you know what you will be asked when you die? But let me tell you first what you won't be asked. You won't be asked if you were working on a wonderful moving piece of writing when you died. You won't be asked if it was long or short, sad or funny, published or unpublished. You won't be asked if you were in good or bad form while you were working on it. You won't even be asked if it was the one piece of writing you would have been working oil if you had known your time would be up when it was finished-I think only poor Soren K. will get asked that. I'm so sure you'll get asked only two questions.' Were most of your stars out? Were you busy writing your heart out? If only you knew how easy it would be for you to say yes to both questions. If only you'd remember before ever you sit down to write that you've been a reader long before you were ever a writer. You simply fix that fact in your mind, then sit very still and ask yourself, as a reader, what piece of writing in all the world Buddy Glass would most want to read if he had his heart's choice. The next step is terrible, but so simple I can hardly believe it as I write it. You just sit down shamelessly and write the thing yourself. I won't even underline that. It's too important to be underlined.
Seymour: an Introduction

You are what you continually choose to be.
(unknown? help me on this one)

Beyond mountains there are mountains.
Haitian proverb

motivation

sometimes (but not often), i settle myself down—sitting, slouching, leaning, lying (not the dishonest one)—and think about why i do things. anything. usually these thoughts are trivial and borderline retarded. why do i drive a car and not ride a bike to school? (i'd have to wake up way early) why do i go to university church? (habit) why do i prefer ice cream in cones? (they're delicious) why do i procrastinate? (.......because i can?) why do i spend 2 hours writing a blog?


(
why i write
usually i take solace in being misunderstood. (yes, that sounds like the defense mechanism of nerds and emos everywhere.) i'm rather content in having people believe stuff about me that isn't true, and if others are to err, i would have them do it on the poor side. that is, i don't mind people believing worse of me than what i consider to be true. see, my actions and words don't always convey the intended meaning. also, sometimes i say things that aren't true, and don't reflect what i believe, and then i forget to publicly reverse my decisions on those topics. (i guess some of this is quite purposeful.) so i know that i'm not always represented accurately. knowing that i'm not going to be seen the way i see myself, i'd much rather have people think the worse of me. i dont know why. probably because then it's easier to deal with the expectations. i really hate to disappoint.
writing is different. in writing i feel like i can explain myself better, maybe even fully. i can choose my words deliberately and craft my sentences carefully and, usually, say exactly what i want to say in the way i want to say it. i have power here.

with great power comes great responsibility. this is my gift, my curse.

good saying, peter parker. i hold it true. in my writings, i find it my responsibility to be more honest, and open, and unguarded. i'm not very comfortable with it. but it is easier than saying these things aloud in front of others. i am a bit detached from my words. i'm not physically present when you, my reader, are reading them. and that's comforting to me, probably because i don't really have to explain what i say.

i write because it's a chance to be honest. to say exactly what i want to say. i'm really good about not talking about things. i can ignore a roomful of elephants. but in my writing i'm more likely to take these things on. case in point (and i'm going to regret this, but it was a couple months ago, so it's more of a historical document by this point, which means it maybe shouldn't be so closely associated with me): if you go back to my "wish list" blog, you'll find a whole nother (yes, nother is a word today) list hidden in pale blue font below the first list. maybe some of you saw it. if you didn't, you'll have to copy and paste it somewhere, because simply highlighting over it doesn't make it any more readable.

i write because it's a chance to be understood. a lot of the time i can't bring myself to say explicitly what i want to say, but i'll write things in such a way that they do carry hidden agendas if one takes the time to find them. well, there aren't really hidden agendas. basically, you'd have to be somewhat intimately knowledgable of the situation in the first place for the riddles to have a chance at making sense. but the possibility that someone could figure out something, well, it's nice. it's rather like how i tend to use analogies and double meanings. i know, that makes it hard on people. it feels like i'm playing games. and maybe i am. but sometimes, it's the only way. the alternative would be to bottle and shelve those things. which happens regularly too.

i write because it's a chance to make things real. sharing my thoughts and feelings in this manner seems to legitimize them. it gives people the opportunity to acknowledge them. and usually, that's enough.

i write because it's a chance to be useful. sometimes i feel like i'm very different from everyone else, but usually it just takes a good passage of literature to remind myself that many others are like me. and maybe, just maybe, my writing can be of similar use. it's a lot to hope for. in fact, it's not really a hope. i hope no one needs this. i hope people feel connected anyway. but if there was something in my words that is or was or could be of value to someone, i would hope they find it, either here or elsewhere. it makes no real difference to me.

i write because it's a chance to tell you i love you. is that weird? i probably won't ever say those words to you otherwise. i'll do my damn best to show it in other ways, but i'm not very good at it. i hope it's not weird. i mean, i'm not going to apologize for these feelings. i can't. i believe in them more than just about anything. it's the basis of my religion. at least, this is the way i interpret jesus' ministry. and i want to be like jesus. i want to love you the way jesus loves you.

)

plans (actually, i should have called it plan, but hindsight is 20/20, which is average)

as a general rule, my ideas are hit and miss, without the misses. if there was a missus, they'd probably be all miss. but, there's really no way of knowing.

amongst my grandiose plans are the following:

paint my room with my favorite quotes a la Franny and Zooey but not just on door frames or bedposts or whatever, but on walls with ink (and probably whiteout, or offwhite-out, if there is such a thing)



and that's actually as far as i'm going to get, because right now i'm searching out all the books that i know have quotes i like and i'm going to begin my compilation process, because sometimes you just need to start things. or at least, sometimes you just feel compelled to do so. and this is one of those times. today i am a man of action.

maybe i'll post the things i put together. that'll be easier than giving bedroom tours.

dinkin flicka

test week = blog post. this is a long established fact.

ugggh. i was doing so well. i was chillin and studying and burninating the countryside and then now, tonight, for some reason, i just can't study. my notes are there, all strewn about in classic study fashion, but they just can't hold my attention. and it's starting to peeve me. (i wanted to say "irk" instead of "peeve," but danelle uses that word a lot, and if i'm gonna copy someone, i'd rather it be more obvious. we the people. call me ishmael. death be not . four score and seven . from every mountainside let freedom . two households both alike in . it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a . no man is an . i dont even have to finish those quotes and you know where i'm going with them. ok. bonus round. Dunder-Mifflin this is . don't worry, you can google any of those lines and figure out what it was i was going for. or you could just have a brain in the first place. {oh, harsh}. the power is . oh, that one didn't work. i guess captain planet isn't googled enough.)

OK, a few Michael Scott quotes. They're just too good. Why yes, this is what I do when I'm bored or when I should be busy with other things. Why do you ask?

I hate so much about the things that you choose to be
And then … and then suddenly she's not yo' ho no mo'.
Happy birthday Jesus, sorry your party's so lame.
YYyyyankeee swap.
The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear: the first person to shout shotgun when you're within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That's how the game's played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.
Pshh. BFD. Engaged ain't married.

OK, I know that barely scratches the surface, so go ahead and post all the other good ones I missed if it's bothering you that your favorite one isn't up there.


test weeks rarely stress me out. actually, few things really stress me out. i like to think this is mostly by choice, and that when something's getting to me i just remind myself that in the grandmaster (as in chess) scheme of things it's either not that important or that i can learn to deal with it. the other option is that i dont care. this might often be the case. hakuna matata. (when in doubt, resort to disney songs. you can't argue with disney songs.)

ok, study time. this is probably the 57th time i've told myself that today.

all your virus are belong to me

the joys of being sick:
there are none

unless you are a masochist. but that's just weird.

there are, however, potential joys in pretending to be sick. in the hopes that I will feign illness in the future, here are some symptoms that I should probably claim, because they are real.

it didn't start so bad. i just wasn't feeling so hot friday morning. i sat through lectures (though i have no idea what was said, and had to leave in the middle of pdx to go vomit. i was glad i had gum in my backpack). i went to lab (in the physical sense). went to vespers. played settlers far too late into the night.

and the rest of the weekend kinda blurs. the presence or absense of the sun had little effect on my sleep pattern, which was mostly determined by the diarrhea.

***spoiler alert***
for those of you who haven't had the dehydrating, kills-orphans-in-africa diarrhea (ORT really is lifesaving. and, fun fact, it has to do with our sodium-glucose cotransporters), it's no fun. you might have been able to guess that, but really, it's way worse than the slightly mushy stool that most people call diarrhea (just because they have to wipe more than twice).

today started a bit better. gas was gas, and not wet poo. the poo hadn't firmed up, but at least it impeded less on my non-schedule. i regained my appetite (i had gone some time, thursday night to saturday night, without eating much more than some popcorn and a bit of soup. oh and less than a half grapefruit, but i lost, best i can tell, all of that in pdx). i can almost stand to concentrate. i've gotten through half a lecture. which pretty much means that i'll be right as rain by the time 24 is on. well, maybe not rain. rain's pretty right. but railroad. i'll be right as railroad. the CRI+P. with a superchief.

on the plus side. wait, not my plus side. but it could be someone's plus side. anyway, it's a fast way to lose 5 pounds. it's also a fast way to get to feeling like your entire musculature vanished.

wow, it sounds pretty bad when i put those two statements right next to each other, for now 5 pounds = john's total muscle mass. i should have talked about other ways to quickly lose 5 pounds before jumping into the whole how-weak-i-feel aspect of the sickness. oh well, live and learn. but i am curious to see what i come up with for those "other ways" ideas.

how to quickly lose 5 pounds:
shark bite
hair cut
bowel resection
leeching
duct tape mouth
chemotherapy
enema
nature hike
sulfuric acid (you've seen those diagrams. it burns right through your hand!)
guillotine
snack in London (shopkeep may ask you for 5 quid, but it's the same thing)

it's not my Cause, but some people seem to really care about it

Today is, apparently, Blog for Choice day. I'm not really pro-choice. I'm pro-responsibility, and pro-consequences, and pro-making-things-work. Peyton Manning is probably those things, plus Pro Bowl.

I have no problem with OCPs or condoms. I have no problem with the fact that a good number of fertilized eggs don't implant in the endometrium and are therefore discharged at menses (i think this is the irregular plural of mensa). I have no problem with reality that a fetus doesn't survive well outside the uterus until it's lungs are well enough developed (at about 24 weeks, if I remember correctly, though legal viability is 20 weeks). And I have no problem with children not being able to do well without his or her parents for many years, sometimes even into his or her early 40s. Consequently, I don't see a clear line that demarcates the beginning of life. Any time point we could assign would end up being as arbitrary as calling an 18-year-old an adult.

When I think back to when I was a small mass of gastrulating cells, I distinctly remember hoping that I wouldn't be aborted. True story. Which is why my concern is mostly for the mothers (though, while I think it's the mother's decision legally, there are other parties—the dude/douche, the family, the doctor—who should get some voice. Gender-equality Donne would state that neither a man nor a woman is an island). I can't imagine that terminating a life that you are responsible is an easy decision to make or to live with, regardless of how disruptive it would be to the life of the potential mother. To me, it seems like it would be unbearable either way (no pun intended, because it's not a very funny one.) But I have no experience with this sort of situation, so will talk on it no further.

I think that it's useful to keep life as sacred, above (almost?) all things. Without that sanctity, you (and Mao and Mr. Massacre) can rationalize much (and I'm not saying this is bad, but if you do this, Jack Bauer will seek you out and dead you. Oh, Peter, here's another: If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wants to beat you with it). Logically, if one holds Truth as more important than life, one can justify killing those who oppose one's Truth or hinder one's transmission of it. It's one thing to die for your beliefs (I personally find it a bit retarded if it can be avoided. Dying is actually a rather easy way out. It's much easier to die for something than it is to really, truly live for something), but to kill for them is pragmatic at best (and I'm not really much a fan of Machiavelli.)

Fact of the matter is, even if abortion were illegal, they'd still happen, and probably in less sterile environments. And far as I can tell, pro-life means being super awesome at life, and infected vaginas have no place there.

tricksy

it's starting already. after medical school's initial inundating wave, the Waters of time are starting to draw back into the deep eternity. it's time to repair my sand castle.

everytime the keep is overwhelmed, i get a good chance to step back and see what all those spires and battlements were trying to protect. i don't open the treasury every day. it's surprising the stuff you find in there. preferences (untoasted raisin bagels, KJV, and analog watches), habits (well, i've gotten over the nailbiting, but i still practice scale and chromatic fingerings when i'm bored), old poems (The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep), plans for sky castles (the Surprise, or Kourageous Kid's Krossing. yes, it was KKK, but we didn't know about the Ku, or if we did, we didn't care. well, i still don't.), or any sorts of bits of randomness (never put bananas in the refrigerator, lightsabers add one to force drains, 40 and 40M are the cheapest buses back to U Hall and 37A also ends up at Chi Fu Landmark so I can go to Park 'n Shop and get groceries, and when it's time to play Risk, you open a sleeve of newtons—it's just what you do)

the tides erase many memories. names of places, facts about various friends, any number of experiences, book plots, general history, and the entirety of organic chemistry. they're replaced. i think i'm supposed to be sad. it's like one era has ended and a new power has ascended the throne. well, maybe the change isn't that dramatic. perhaps all we have is a new king. a successor. the boy prince is finally figuring out how to rule his kingdom.

isn't he supposed to start by restoring the temple and finding some lost scroll? or was it that he let the baobab trees take over his asteriod? or did he drive the Telmarines from his land? or maybe he just stands there as part of the chorus and says "For never was there such a tale of woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo." (yes, i did my research and it is Escalus who has these lines)

but today is not a time to survey my dominion. instead, i lace up my soccer boots. i'm trying something new today. not that i've ever dominion-surveyed before. sounds kinda fun. especially if you have Mufasa around.

Oh Peter, I love this show. Here's a gem:
Upon hearing that Kiefer Sutherland played Jack Bauer on the TV show "24," Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Wish list (just in time for Three Kings Day and Orthodox Christmas)

I want a coach.
I want some good sense.
I want quiet.
I want to finish this book.
I want a little illumination, or maybe some sunshine.
I want anonymity.
I want to be able to call a spade a spade. I want to be able to hate on democracy and call jesse jackson a racist and make holocaust, AIDS, and anorexia jokes and talk about suicide without the world going nuts.
I want bad drivers to just hire chauffers.
I want a plan I'm settled with.
I want to apologize.
I want to be more observant.
I want a rival.
I want another season of Arrested Development.
I want to know true happiness and true sorrow.
I want to be a better friend.
I want to be able to remember what the word incarcerated means.

Things that are on the list, but not officially (meaning, we can't talk about these, and actually I'm not sure why I'm disclosing them, but it's just late enough for me to do something I'll probably regret later. But my therapist might say this is a step in the right direction. Of course, I'd probably tell my therapist (s)he can go to hell, I'll decide what's my own right direction, and I'm doing this because it's just what I happen to be doing.)
I wouldn't mind being understood occasionally.
I wish I could buy into a more widely-held view on things.
I wish I could relate to people better.
I wish I wasn't so proud, or dark, or walled, or detached, or obdurate.
I wish I wasn't so set on being those things.
I wish I could live outside my head.
I wish I didn't care so much about being right.
I wish I was more intentional.
I wish I was more honest.
I wish I had a good reason (outside the fact that I find it useful) to believe anything.
I wish I knew how to not be alone.
I wish this didn't sound to cliche.
I wish I'd actually post this.